The theater wanted to buzz as the momentous instant of the premiere neared with every waning second. The catwalk seemed like it was on the brink of toppling as the ravenous crowds went crazy and threw tomatoes and other various vegetables at the stage but in like a positive way, not that they are trying to do that old school renaissance heckling move (not to be confused with the old school renaissance heckling move where you insult a comedian's bloodline, where you poison the drink of someone who is about to poison your family's best friend in an attempt to bring a halt to a longstanding feud that The History Channel would love to make an eight part documentary mini series about (and turn them into the next Hatfields and McCoys but with more of an emphasis on the always present possibility of one's ability to poison an enemy's drink, so let's just say like if the Hatfields and McCoys bucked heads in an episode of Bar Rescue) if only they could get their grubby paws on the rights to the story or where you dance on someone's grave to do a field test for a video game that you are work shopping with your start up buds, Dance Dance Execution) but they were bringing back the ol tomato toss move in a misdirected but well-spirited attempt to promote the nutritional benefits of the much undervalued category that holds way too small of a slice of the highly controversial and foodie blog hot button issue that is commonly known as the food pyramid.
Swaths of paparazzi adhered to a similar migration pattern as they collectively trailed the stars of the film, Ring of Fire, which is a horror film about an illegal ring of fireworks dealers and the inner workings of one of the most dangerous organizations on the face of the charred Earth. Nicolas Cage is the star of the film as well as being the director, writer and assistant to the organizer of crafts services (pigs in blankets are a must have, having long since became an edible mascot of sorts for the movie in a huge March Madness sixteen seed knocking out a number one seed level upset over onion rings (Bill Raftery was so discombobulated, he pretty much started overheating and random numbers started to flash across his eyes and steam began to come out of his ears then he just said everyone on the court had onions and he started throwing handfuls of onion rings at the crowd, much to the delight of the hungrier spectators but greatly confusing the referees and coaching staff of the Pigs in Blankets squad) for the sake of the obvious pun match with the film's title because as everyone knows, Nic Cage is a big pun guy, it has been a widely spread fact ever since he did that one man play from inside one of those floating cages, you know the kind of cage that you might find featured in a strip club in an apocalyptic movie about the not-too-distant future, a time when the hover board is still in the works and Dave Franco has eclipsed his older brother in popularity.) Jennifer Lawrence is there too, as she is one of the leads in the film, but the funny thing is that she is walking a peacock and looks like she is getting ready to film a commercial for a Wag! style phone app for peacock owners instead of dog lovers...one of the beautiful, colorful creatures of nature from Cage's flock, for certain. If you were a fly on the wall you would witness a reporter asking Jennifer Lawrence a dumb question (you would know that is was dumb by the way she recoiled her head in disgust and wrinkled and crinkled her nose like a lame yoga exercise (other lame yoga exercises include Trying To Touch Your Toes But Not Quite Making It And Just Calling It Good, Downward Hot Dog, Taking A Little Cat Nap On The Yoga Mat In The Ray Of Sunlight That Is Stealing Through The Crack In The Window Because You Never Realized That Sleeping On A Yoga Mat Feels Like Laying On A Bed Of Frozen Yogurt With A Bunch Of Hearty Toppings On It and my personal and a fan favorite, The Hippo Hula)).
The time has finally arrived to settle down and watch the movie so everyone grabs their monster sized buckets of popcorn and suspect movie theater "butter" mix and plops down on some of the nicest, most cushiest seats in the universe, the kind of movie-watching seats that make you forget that you are watching a movie and you start to think that you are actually in the film, they are that comfy, like multi-dimensional levels on trusty the ol comfort bar chart that Bed, Bath and Beyond created in 1983 during the great comfort boom (comfort is actually one of the main focuses that consumes the time and resources of the mysterious and hotly debated "Beyond" department.)
"That's not what I meant - stop it!" Cage bellows out as the crowd erupts into a fit of laughter fit for a jester at a scene in the film's cold open which you might call a burning hot open if you are feeling particularly cheeky and would like to put a twist of the whole "Ring of Fire" thing (you could also go the Lord of the Rings route if you are wont to do so and feeling a proper level of cheekiness and mysticality). It must stink to create something as a director and have an audience, not just any audience but the first audience that witnesses the piece of work, not quite understand what you were trying to get across or not fully pick up what you were putting down, Jennifer Lawrence ponders as she loses herself in the eyes of one of Cage's peacocks from one of his many flocks of the illustrious beast with more eyes than the Illuminati for which Cage also happens to hold the position of a founding board member and Executive Explainer.
And so Nicolas Cage and Jennifer Lawrence just straight up stood up and walked out of the theater right in the middle of their movie, but not before they hucked a few handfuls of smoke bombs at the big screen to throw a lil personal flair on the whole situation and also because of the firework connection to the film...the peacock got a bit spooked and fought with Lawrence against her rope leash but she held on to it strong and kept her eye on the prize and by prize I mean not angering her best bud, Cage, so that she could make it to the sequel of Ring of Fire which will be called Ring of Fye and not have anything to do with the first film but it is crucial to remember Cage's stance on puns for all the pieces of this bizarre jigsaw puzzle to fit together, though.
Swaths of paparazzi adhered to a similar migration pattern as they collectively trailed the stars of the film, Ring of Fire, which is a horror film about an illegal ring of fireworks dealers and the inner workings of one of the most dangerous organizations on the face of the charred Earth. Nicolas Cage is the star of the film as well as being the director, writer and assistant to the organizer of crafts services (pigs in blankets are a must have, having long since became an edible mascot of sorts for the movie in a huge March Madness sixteen seed knocking out a number one seed level upset over onion rings (Bill Raftery was so discombobulated, he pretty much started overheating and random numbers started to flash across his eyes and steam began to come out of his ears then he just said everyone on the court had onions and he started throwing handfuls of onion rings at the crowd, much to the delight of the hungrier spectators but greatly confusing the referees and coaching staff of the Pigs in Blankets squad) for the sake of the obvious pun match with the film's title because as everyone knows, Nic Cage is a big pun guy, it has been a widely spread fact ever since he did that one man play from inside one of those floating cages, you know the kind of cage that you might find featured in a strip club in an apocalyptic movie about the not-too-distant future, a time when the hover board is still in the works and Dave Franco has eclipsed his older brother in popularity.) Jennifer Lawrence is there too, as she is one of the leads in the film, but the funny thing is that she is walking a peacock and looks like she is getting ready to film a commercial for a Wag! style phone app for peacock owners instead of dog lovers...one of the beautiful, colorful creatures of nature from Cage's flock, for certain. If you were a fly on the wall you would witness a reporter asking Jennifer Lawrence a dumb question (you would know that is was dumb by the way she recoiled her head in disgust and wrinkled and crinkled her nose like a lame yoga exercise (other lame yoga exercises include Trying To Touch Your Toes But Not Quite Making It And Just Calling It Good, Downward Hot Dog, Taking A Little Cat Nap On The Yoga Mat In The Ray Of Sunlight That Is Stealing Through The Crack In The Window Because You Never Realized That Sleeping On A Yoga Mat Feels Like Laying On A Bed Of Frozen Yogurt With A Bunch Of Hearty Toppings On It and my personal and a fan favorite, The Hippo Hula)).
The time has finally arrived to settle down and watch the movie so everyone grabs their monster sized buckets of popcorn and suspect movie theater "butter" mix and plops down on some of the nicest, most cushiest seats in the universe, the kind of movie-watching seats that make you forget that you are watching a movie and you start to think that you are actually in the film, they are that comfy, like multi-dimensional levels on trusty the ol comfort bar chart that Bed, Bath and Beyond created in 1983 during the great comfort boom (comfort is actually one of the main focuses that consumes the time and resources of the mysterious and hotly debated "Beyond" department.)
"That's not what I meant - stop it!" Cage bellows out as the crowd erupts into a fit of laughter fit for a jester at a scene in the film's cold open which you might call a burning hot open if you are feeling particularly cheeky and would like to put a twist of the whole "Ring of Fire" thing (you could also go the Lord of the Rings route if you are wont to do so and feeling a proper level of cheekiness and mysticality). It must stink to create something as a director and have an audience, not just any audience but the first audience that witnesses the piece of work, not quite understand what you were trying to get across or not fully pick up what you were putting down, Jennifer Lawrence ponders as she loses herself in the eyes of one of Cage's peacocks from one of his many flocks of the illustrious beast with more eyes than the Illuminati for which Cage also happens to hold the position of a founding board member and Executive Explainer.
And so Nicolas Cage and Jennifer Lawrence just straight up stood up and walked out of the theater right in the middle of their movie, but not before they hucked a few handfuls of smoke bombs at the big screen to throw a lil personal flair on the whole situation and also because of the firework connection to the film...the peacock got a bit spooked and fought with Lawrence against her rope leash but she held on to it strong and kept her eye on the prize and by prize I mean not angering her best bud, Cage, so that she could make it to the sequel of Ring of Fire which will be called Ring of Fye and not have anything to do with the first film but it is crucial to remember Cage's stance on puns for all the pieces of this bizarre jigsaw puzzle to fit together, though.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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