Dentures whistle a catchy tune in the wind as a mighty gust blows through the paisley curtains, parting them like the Red Sea, which many of the residents of the High Curb Retirement Facility may in fact be old enough to remember actually happening. Two shadowy figures dressed in all black, cat burglars to the nines (to the nine lives), skulk about the property as they duck their heads in and out of various bushes in their suspicious pursuit of something, probably some cool jewels or something valuable like that. Murmurs rustle about the pair of would-be-criminals as they rustle some leaves in the bushes too. The leader of the two, or at least it appears that way by the way she is whisper shouting down to her female compatriot, gestures with only the very tip of her thumb in the general direction of a nearby window that is ajar, a true disciple of the McConaughey Principle (the McConaughey Principle is a four pronged approach to life that focuses on staying chill, being true to your id, having a good ol time no matter what and rooting on the gosh dang Texas Longhorns, hook em Horns, bonus prong points if Colt McCoy is the godfather of your children or if you are a proud owner of a The Cheesecake Factory credit card (or a Ruth’s Chris’s Cheesecake Factory credit card which is even rarer but more valuable when it is dug up on your episode of Storage Wars) and share your many dessert benefits with the one and only Vince Young while he reminisces about that brief period of time when he took down USC in the championship game and everyone was wearing his number ten to weddings and funerals and other inappropriate places to wear a college football jersey unless you are Matthew McConaughey or one of the blessed individuals in his T-Mobile Fave Five) and probably the founder and president of the McConauladies, an all female fan club of Matthew McConaughey that began on a dare and is still going, probably on another funnier dare. Then the follower of the two did something that could only be defined as an act of total lunacy and fit for the loony bin; she threw a lil pebble at the nearby ajar window.
“What are you doing?!?!” The leader whisper shouted at her student.
“Just testing out the wind...it looks good for the approach.” The student let out like she was about to hit a golf ball out of a sand trap with a well meaning thumbs up for confirmation that her plan was going according to THE plan.
The leader slowly shook her head in disgust, a major league pitcher shaking off his catcher’s two fingers for the curveball after blowing the first two pitches right by the hitter, like to the point where the ball was already in the catcher’s glove when the hitter was just getting ready to swing.
Next the leader did that move where she points at both her eyes with her two fingers and then pointed those two fingers at the eyes of her student to make sure they were all on the same page of plans or the same Plan Page if you will. (Did you know that the working title for Juno was actually Unplan Page because it was a surprise pregnancy and Ellen Page was the star in the movie and...yeah that’s how my brain works, pretty weird, right? Try walking for a mile in my Crocs...a mile is pretty far to walk in Crocs though, your dogs would be barkin’ up a storm and making all the neighbors wary, thereby living up to the Beware of Dog sign on the fence to the backyard, for once in your life that lazy dang good for nothing dog is finally good for something but you'll be sad when they are gone...*the story just goes off the rails and I get all sad*)
The two potential prowlers slinked towards the nearby ajar window with the stealthiness of a house cat (should I just go ahead and call them the house cat burglars?...nah that would be ridiculous.) but with more hand eye coordination (or paw eye coordination...seriously, have you ever seen one of those videos of a cat playing ping pong...wait, you haven’t? That’s because they don’t exist, cats can only play Gin Rummy like how dogs play Texas Hold ‘Em, cats are lovers of Gin Rummy and moles play Whack-A-Mole because they have low self esteem) but also less YouTube star power earning capacity. One by one they slipped through the opening in the window, the leader leading the way and the follower following, according to the natural order of the house cat burglarverse.
“Hurry up, you clown!” The leader whisper shouted at her student as she fell face first through the opening in the window and spilled a small satchel of beautifully turquoise marbles all over the floor that she was carrying in her bindle for some unknown godforsaken reason, also she was carrying a bindle for some unknown god forsaken reason but it probably has something to do with her traveling everywhere by boxcar via the boxcar Uber app, yesh she has an iPhone too, it doesn’t make sense but then again life doesn’t make sense, right, do they have outlets in boxcars now so she can charge her iPhone? The symphony of the bouncing of all the marbles magically harmonized with the steady ding of everyone’s Life Alert being set off in a false alarm but real B and E kind of situation that usually only takes place in the movies or the TVs.
“Who the H-E-double racquetball rackets do you think y’all are?” Bellowed out an old man who was probably named Walt, let’s just call him Walt, wearing a houndstooth patterned cardigan and proudly toting a mug that read #1 Old Guy, one that most definitely gets mixed up with all the others when the dishwasher is being cleaned out by the maid who doesn't speak Old Guylish. “Walt” gradually pulled a walker from behind his back as the two house cat burglars scrambled about to gather all the errant marbles that seemed to have a mind of their own. Of course it was one of the walkers that had the cut-in-half tennis balls on the bottom of each of the legs, a longstanding ode to Billie Jean King after she took down Bobby Riggs and knocked his terrible case of toxic masculinity down a few pegs. Walt methodically plucked each of the tennis balls off each leg of the walker and flung them at the house cat burglars with increasing ferocity, definitely having nodded in the affirmative to the catcher’s one middle finger down sign for the fireball, the only pitch that is accompanied by a shot of cinnamon whiskey after the half inning is comes to its conclusion. These heat seeking felty pelts not only threw the house cat burglars off their game and flipped them to a random Plan Page in their blueprint book, but they shook the two to their caramelly criminal core. Having no idea what to do next, the student began simultaneously gathering and whipping the turquoise marbles at old man Walt, scooping up the tiny balls of glass in a way that Derek Jeter might field a three hopper and kick off the double play. Walt fell quickly, crumpling under the weight of his walker which was no longer supported by the aid of the cut-in-half tennis balls; it turns out that these balls are actually extremely effective in holding up those walkers and without the half ball of felt, the walker will turn to mush in a matter of moments...I guess Wilson has had an under the umpire chair sponsorship deal with the AARP since Billie Jean King made Bobby Riggs realize that he was, in fact, a human and not an angel sent by the tennis gods to take the ATP by storm.
"Hey you two kids! Stop what you are doing at once...you have to go check in at the front desk and pick up your visitor badges before you-" An ancient lady who was wearing a name tag that read Rose yelled at the top of her lungs before her lungs could take no more and they stopped working, right in their tracks...it was actually very sad, everyone who was there and saw it happen was pretty much scarred for life (and scared for life - it was THAT unfortunate of a biological speed bump!) and they all made t shirts that said "Witness" like those LeBron ones from Nike.
A woman in her 30s, wearing an apron and a white hat, rushed into the room with a broom in one hand and a dust pan in the other...it was one of the maids so the Rebel Alliance might actually have a chance against the dualing Darth Vaders with this one. Unfortunately, the maid forgot to put up one of those "Caution Wet Floor" signs that has the stick figure person who was trying to do a forty yard dash in the bathroom or something, like was that little stick figure person wearing Heelys or what, dude is about to get a concussion, for real! But yeah, the maid did the same thing as that little stick figure person except even worse and she ended up both getting the wind knocked out of her and fainting at the same time which is a lethal combo. The house cat burglars looked at each other in shock before quickly scampering off to the kitchen because it appeared that everyone else in the High Curb Retirement Facility was either taking a nap or mentally locked into an intense match of cribbage or watching their stories or all of the above (they could be dreaming about doing the other two...see, I bet you didn't know that I moonlight as a troll who lives under a bridge and makes people answer weird riddles to break on through to the other side.) The leader stuffed her bindle full of assorted packs of oatmeal, bags of herbal tea and random handfuls of pills (don't worry, most of them are placebos and the other ones are just Good and Plenties) while the student went hard on the hard candies. Then the two anti-heroes scampered into the night like they were never there (think of it like the end of Gremlins and the early Vegas odds are saying that there probably was a Mogwai stuffed animal in the HCRF that one of the house cat burglars definitely jacked), off on their way to find the next boxcar in their lives, whatever that may be, who knows maybe the leader will have a kid, maybe the student will invent the Lyft competitor version of the boxcar Uber app, you know, the one that is called Choober (thank you for your patience ladies and gentlemen, the plane has just put all four on the pavement in *insert whatever city that you want to go to in your daydreams*... see, I can do Mad Libs too) leaving a trail of destruction in their wake, which is very hard to overcome for an old folks home because they have a ton of overhead costs and just require a ton of patience, in general.
“What are you doing?!?!” The leader whisper shouted at her student.
“Just testing out the wind...it looks good for the approach.” The student let out like she was about to hit a golf ball out of a sand trap with a well meaning thumbs up for confirmation that her plan was going according to THE plan.
The leader slowly shook her head in disgust, a major league pitcher shaking off his catcher’s two fingers for the curveball after blowing the first two pitches right by the hitter, like to the point where the ball was already in the catcher’s glove when the hitter was just getting ready to swing.
Next the leader did that move where she points at both her eyes with her two fingers and then pointed those two fingers at the eyes of her student to make sure they were all on the same page of plans or the same Plan Page if you will. (Did you know that the working title for Juno was actually Unplan Page because it was a surprise pregnancy and Ellen Page was the star in the movie and...yeah that’s how my brain works, pretty weird, right? Try walking for a mile in my Crocs...a mile is pretty far to walk in Crocs though, your dogs would be barkin’ up a storm and making all the neighbors wary, thereby living up to the Beware of Dog sign on the fence to the backyard, for once in your life that lazy dang good for nothing dog is finally good for something but you'll be sad when they are gone...*the story just goes off the rails and I get all sad*)
The two potential prowlers slinked towards the nearby ajar window with the stealthiness of a house cat (should I just go ahead and call them the house cat burglars?...nah that would be ridiculous.) but with more hand eye coordination (or paw eye coordination...seriously, have you ever seen one of those videos of a cat playing ping pong...wait, you haven’t? That’s because they don’t exist, cats can only play Gin Rummy like how dogs play Texas Hold ‘Em, cats are lovers of Gin Rummy and moles play Whack-A-Mole because they have low self esteem) but also less YouTube star power earning capacity. One by one they slipped through the opening in the window, the leader leading the way and the follower following, according to the natural order of the house cat burglarverse.
“Hurry up, you clown!” The leader whisper shouted at her student as she fell face first through the opening in the window and spilled a small satchel of beautifully turquoise marbles all over the floor that she was carrying in her bindle for some unknown godforsaken reason, also she was carrying a bindle for some unknown god forsaken reason but it probably has something to do with her traveling everywhere by boxcar via the boxcar Uber app, yesh she has an iPhone too, it doesn’t make sense but then again life doesn’t make sense, right, do they have outlets in boxcars now so she can charge her iPhone? The symphony of the bouncing of all the marbles magically harmonized with the steady ding of everyone’s Life Alert being set off in a false alarm but real B and E kind of situation that usually only takes place in the movies or the TVs.
“Who the H-E-double racquetball rackets do you think y’all are?” Bellowed out an old man who was probably named Walt, let’s just call him Walt, wearing a houndstooth patterned cardigan and proudly toting a mug that read #1 Old Guy, one that most definitely gets mixed up with all the others when the dishwasher is being cleaned out by the maid who doesn't speak Old Guylish. “Walt” gradually pulled a walker from behind his back as the two house cat burglars scrambled about to gather all the errant marbles that seemed to have a mind of their own. Of course it was one of the walkers that had the cut-in-half tennis balls on the bottom of each of the legs, a longstanding ode to Billie Jean King after she took down Bobby Riggs and knocked his terrible case of toxic masculinity down a few pegs. Walt methodically plucked each of the tennis balls off each leg of the walker and flung them at the house cat burglars with increasing ferocity, definitely having nodded in the affirmative to the catcher’s one middle finger down sign for the fireball, the only pitch that is accompanied by a shot of cinnamon whiskey after the half inning is comes to its conclusion. These heat seeking felty pelts not only threw the house cat burglars off their game and flipped them to a random Plan Page in their blueprint book, but they shook the two to their caramelly criminal core. Having no idea what to do next, the student began simultaneously gathering and whipping the turquoise marbles at old man Walt, scooping up the tiny balls of glass in a way that Derek Jeter might field a three hopper and kick off the double play. Walt fell quickly, crumpling under the weight of his walker which was no longer supported by the aid of the cut-in-half tennis balls; it turns out that these balls are actually extremely effective in holding up those walkers and without the half ball of felt, the walker will turn to mush in a matter of moments...I guess Wilson has had an under the umpire chair sponsorship deal with the AARP since Billie Jean King made Bobby Riggs realize that he was, in fact, a human and not an angel sent by the tennis gods to take the ATP by storm.
"Hey you two kids! Stop what you are doing at once...you have to go check in at the front desk and pick up your visitor badges before you-" An ancient lady who was wearing a name tag that read Rose yelled at the top of her lungs before her lungs could take no more and they stopped working, right in their tracks...it was actually very sad, everyone who was there and saw it happen was pretty much scarred for life (and scared for life - it was THAT unfortunate of a biological speed bump!) and they all made t shirts that said "Witness" like those LeBron ones from Nike.
A woman in her 30s, wearing an apron and a white hat, rushed into the room with a broom in one hand and a dust pan in the other...it was one of the maids so the Rebel Alliance might actually have a chance against the dualing Darth Vaders with this one. Unfortunately, the maid forgot to put up one of those "Caution Wet Floor" signs that has the stick figure person who was trying to do a forty yard dash in the bathroom or something, like was that little stick figure person wearing Heelys or what, dude is about to get a concussion, for real! But yeah, the maid did the same thing as that little stick figure person except even worse and she ended up both getting the wind knocked out of her and fainting at the same time which is a lethal combo. The house cat burglars looked at each other in shock before quickly scampering off to the kitchen because it appeared that everyone else in the High Curb Retirement Facility was either taking a nap or mentally locked into an intense match of cribbage or watching their stories or all of the above (they could be dreaming about doing the other two...see, I bet you didn't know that I moonlight as a troll who lives under a bridge and makes people answer weird riddles to break on through to the other side.) The leader stuffed her bindle full of assorted packs of oatmeal, bags of herbal tea and random handfuls of pills (don't worry, most of them are placebos and the other ones are just Good and Plenties) while the student went hard on the hard candies. Then the two anti-heroes scampered into the night like they were never there (think of it like the end of Gremlins and the early Vegas odds are saying that there probably was a Mogwai stuffed animal in the HCRF that one of the house cat burglars definitely jacked), off on their way to find the next boxcar in their lives, whatever that may be, who knows maybe the leader will have a kid, maybe the student will invent the Lyft competitor version of the boxcar Uber app, you know, the one that is called Choober (thank you for your patience ladies and gentlemen, the plane has just put all four on the pavement in *insert whatever city that you want to go to in your daydreams*... see, I can do Mad Libs too) leaving a trail of destruction in their wake, which is very hard to overcome for an old folks home because they have a ton of overhead costs and just require a ton of patience, in general.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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