The brilliantly tangerine hued Sun is setting and the cheesy cratered Moon is rising and Will Smith is Will Smithing it up and all is right with the world until it wasn't and it became too late, too soon. You see, the year is 2049 and Will Smith is a merely a simple geometry teacher in a small town in Iowa, let's just say the same one as the one from Field of Dreams for old time's sake, you know, the one that most people identify with the great state of corn. It's a Wednesday morning in the Autumn and Will Smith is being driven to work by his car, feet kicked up on the dashboard and doing the morning word search in the newspaper that he still has delivered to his house for some reason (the reason is because Will Smith is an old school dude and may still be clinging to the past, reflecting on the brightness of his future throughout the duration of his halcyon days as the Fresh Prince and trying to squeeze the memory of the feeling into a bottle next to his favorite ship) when he gets a very important FaceTime. Well to be more crystal clear, Will Smith's iPhone 37C began FaceTiming the Hollywood movie icon by itself - it was pretty bizarre, that's for darn certain. It was kind of like that hologram of Princess Leia from Star Wars except with less cinematic stakes. (Cinematic Steaks is my favorite Omaha Steaks competitive brand - each steak is shaped like a different character from the history of the big screen...the most popular item is the one that is shaped like the DeLorean because the meat of the cow's tush is so succulent that it takes you back to a time when you used to hang out before school with an eccentric old man doctor who was going through a rough period of coping with a mild clock obsession then you skateboarded to school and caught free rides by hanging on to the rear end of unsuspecting vehicles before self-driving vehicles became a thing and they made a setting where they don't allow high school punks to use their trunk like that moving rope that you grab onto to get to the top of the sledding hill at the ski resort.)
"Hello, Will. It's good to talk to you - how are you doing? I hope that all is going well in geometry class and all the shapes are fitting in together very nicely like a perfect row of Tetris or a great game of Jenga or an awesome match of street Checkers where the normal rules of the game are completely disregarded. Alas, 'tis unfortunate but I must play the role of the bearer of bad news for you. A great plague is about to besiege society and everything that it encapsulates will, without a shred of a doubt, be disintegrated into a very, fine dust within a matter of seasons. You know that classic rock and roll song, Dust in the Wind by the band of goofy and greasy looking Earth people known as Kansas (these hooligan rock stars kind of look like if the state of Kansas was a person but if it was somehow even flatter - I'm talking like, two dimensional or something, like they just got pressed all the way down by the weight of their 70s porn mustaches and one glob too many of peppermint scented beard oil...Kansas looks like if they started a cult, the president of the official International Cult Council (or the ICC if you are in the club and know the password) would be like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow your roll there fellas...we don't let just ANYONE become a cult leader around here, there are some rules about general hygiene and your ability to be presented to the public...we really appreciate the effort, though, but we are going to have to pass on your proposal...but have you heard of Scientology? Real great stuff, some real salt of the Earth kind of people - let me get you in touch with my buddy, Tom...have you ever sent a letter by motorcycle carrier pigeon?") which also happens to be the title of one of your American states? So why am I telling you all this - why are you the chosen one, as it were? What did you do to earn the position of Planet Saver, Earth Protector and World Wide Safety Web - was it something that you said on an airplane that was overheard by an air marshal who doubled as an FBI agent and part time World Wide Safety Web or a generous tip that you gave your barista (you gave your barista a gift card to a competing coffee company for Christmas, so that was a pretty funny gotcha moment, but everyone drinks coffee, right? Chalk that one up to a win-win and an over on the laughs line.) or maybe a great Christmas gift that happened to land in the hands of the right person in your white elephant gift exchange at the office Christmas party? (The office Christmas party actually turned out to be pretty lit, Shelly had a few too many glass stockings of eggnog (you should probably know that that nog was not mixed by someone who was in their right state of mind; it was about two parts gingerbread flavored vodka, three parts nog, four parts mashed up gingerbread cookies and five parts wanting to have an amazing night that you will remember for the rest of your life once your co workers help you piece it all together (a beautiful jigsaw puzzle of destruction and pandemonium on the level of all the inmates in your town escaping the insane asylum and taking over the Dairy Queen but the townsfolk still go to the Dairy Queen on a regular basis because those dang blizzards are addicting and they are always hoping that the ice cream will all fall out of the cup when the employee tips it upside down to test the frozen treat's holier than thou level of thickness (take that Wendy's and your sloshy Frosties - that should be the whole name for them, they should just call them the Sloshy Frosty and save their customers some time on doing the viscosity math) so they will get a free blizzard if the insane asylum inmates stay true to Dairy Queen's company policy and promise to their loyal customer base although they don't really have to because Dairy Queen customers's brains are typically too frozen to cobble together a logical defense, but I should probably mention that Logical Defense Cobbler is the top selling flavor of blizzard at most Dairy Queens, especially among lawyers and individuals who are studying for the bar...whew! I just said all that without taking a breath so now I know how Michael Phelps feels...like a shark that you would want to grab a beer with! Every day is Shark Week when you are Michael Phelps!) the following Monday morning when y'all are shooting the breeze by the water cooler after you get done comparing the stats from last night's big game...it was absolutely terrible.) and ended up slippin' into a sloppy make out sesh with a real life reindeer and its beau - Dave recorded a video of it on his iPhone and emailed the clip to TMZ and they featured it on their annual Christmas themed special holiday episode that is hosted by Ryan Seacrestmas who is actually just Ryan Seacrest but souped up like Santa Claus after a few too many glass stockings of the ol Evil Egg Nog that will make ya slog.) Anyways, yup your life is about to change just a bit so ya better get ready for the hurricane of insanity that is moving West on your meteorological map on your personal Weather Channel in your soul's existential DirecTV satellite dish...ciao!"
And just like that, as quickly as it began it ended as Will Smith's iPhone 37C self-destructed, emitting a miniature explosion that could only be compared to a demo of a football stadium made out of Legos and scuffed his luxurious leather jacket up a little bit which rubbed Smith the wrong way. The whole thing was so much for Will Smith to handle in the moment that he went ahead and pulled over at the nearest Dave and Busters (his default audible in any time of great mental anguish) instead of going to school to be a geometry teacher and zoned out for a while on the giant Fruit Ninja while listening to The Dark Side of the Moon in reverse and questioning the legitimacy of human's existence...While he was pondering whether it was too late for the human race to overcome the incredible and overwhelming power and intelligence of the technology that we have created, the Fruit Ninja Sensei broke the fourth wall (literally) by walking through the screen and into the third dimension.
"Now this? It's on." Will Smith said in a cool action hero kind of tempo before looking at the camera and shrugging like Jim from The Office but it was really more like Jim from the Netflix thing, Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan.
So Will Smith kicked the Fruit Ninja Sensei's butt with great ease and hardly breaking a sweat, despite taking a steady barrage of cantaloupe, honeydew and watermelon straight to the melon. Then he drove to Des Moines and hopped on the first airplane to Australia, the farthest place from Iowa that he could brainstorm up in this time of great stress and worry for the state of humanity. Unfortunately, the singularity that his iPhone 37C had so gravely forewarned about in its prophetic, crystal ball of a message affected airplanes too so the GPS system on the airplane kind of took over the whole 747 and they ran straight into an active volcano that was in the midst of a devastating eruption so they were essentially like the cherry on top of a Bloody Sunday.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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