Burger Town was an emporium in the 70s, not just of foodstuffs but of entertainment for all, a mill of mirth, a factory of fun, the third R in the phrase that is known round the world, R & R & R. It was the kind of place that you not only went to but that you lived for and a staple in Tampa, Florida's high octane burger district which is a magnet for tourists in addition to burger magnates; each day that you were deprived of it seemed longer than the last until twenty four hours felt like a fortnight. There was a ball pit but it wasn't just any ordinary ball pit...it was a ball pit with a legit diving board and a karaoke machine built into the side of it so you could rock people's worlds whilst jack knifing into said ball pit. The sinks in the bathrooms were encrusted in gold and the hand dryers would blow a bunch of lil gold particles around in a beautiful mini tornado of gold that could probably fetch a handsome sum of monies on the QVC channel or one of its sister networks. The mirrors in the bathrooms already had fake mustaches drawn on to them so that you wouldn't have to be a graffiti artist just to prank your best friend. Not to mention the toilets, oh the toilets, you would toil for many hours in the scorching sun, relentlessly picking ripe strawberries from your high volume strawberry farm, for the opportunity to use one of these magnificent beasts of modern science and technology. You have heard of bidets, yes? Well, picture a bidet but instead of blasting some nice room temp water at your bum, the machine sends a cascade of Paul Mitchell's top of the line hair care products, Funfetti and an inkling of good vibes towards your tushy (not to be confused with Tushy, the supplier of various bidet attachments in case you want your house guests to find out that your most vulnerable spot is the fact that you are a proud New York Jets fan club credit card holder when they are in THEIR most vulnerable spot.)
In the foyer of Burger Town (yeah that's right, when is the last time that you heard about a fast food place having a foyer? Last time I checked, Ronald McDonald voted nay on the foyer.) there is a massive red to yellow ombre-shaded chandelier that dwarfs everyone who walks in, making them realize that they are merely a sheep and Colonel Sanders is a shepherd and that all this talk about sheep is making them hungry for some sheep, is that on the menu yet, maybe a seasonal delight? They will be looking forward to the McSheep Burger which will be served with a coconut almond cookie that is shaped like a white picket fence.
It is the day of the opening ceremonies of the world-famous, incredibly awesome, twenty eighth annual Burger Olympics, which just successfully defended their title against a menacing lawsuit that was recently levied by the International Olympic Committee (the IOC for those of you in the know), mainly pursued by the organization's lawyers as a thinly veiled ploy to distract from their lengthy history of corruption and bouts with controversy, showing that misdirecting TMZ camera operators is truly an art form that can not only be practiced but whittled down to an exact science. Ah, the Burger Olympics...a festive, grand ol time when world peace meets world hunger halfway - what in the H-E-double french fries does that mean? Who knows but one thing is for gosh dern sure - it moves the merch! When you get a free sec, you should go pick up a beanie or a snap back ball cap, a sweater or a tank top and a pair of sunglasses or a pair of transition glasses with the official slogan of the Burger Olympics ("When world peace meets world hunger halfway") at the nearest merch table in the foyer of Burger Town or on Amazon, using the promo code "GoldenBurger". That reminds me, I should probably let you know about the Golden Burger, the highly coveted trophy that is the size of a beach ball that was inflated by a member of the training staff of the New England Patriots (so it is partially deflated and thinks Tom Brady is the GOAT). Speaking of the Golden Burger Trophy, that reminds me of the Friesman Trophy which is like the Heisman Trophy but for fast food athletics (the trophy is a marble sculpture of a fries cook who is stiff arming an oncoming fries cook who is trying to put more salt on their fries because letting another fries cook salt your fries is a sign of disrespect and a big no-no in the fries cook community which is very tight-knit and highly exclusive sort of like Fight Club but it would be called Fries Club and the first rule of Fries Club would be that you do not talk about Fries Club, especially when your mouth is full, that's just rude.), a modern masterpiece of art, architecture and artitecture that rests comfortably beside the Golden Burger in the towering trophy case that is located in the swanky foyer of Burger Town in between two burgeoning merch tables and behind a vending machine that only sells packets of condiments and pills to treat your inevitable heart burn that Burger Town employees are required to forewarn all the customers about when they hand them their bag of food (it is kind of a buzzkill, but then again, so is heart burn and at least you will know it's coming so you won't get caught off guard like a surprise party for heart burn...imagine if you walked through the front door of your home and a bunch of doctors jumped out from behind your couch and kitchen island and were like, "Surprise! You have heart burn - now here are some pills to help you treat it." A person who doesn't like surprise parties would really detest the idea of a surprise party for heart burn - it would be what you call a double whammy situation. It might turn their heart burn into a heart fire...even your dad would be like, that joke was pretty corny, let's spice it up a little bit. If a dad joke is told in a cabin in the woods and none of the lumberjack dads laugh, is it still a dad joke...and who is making the next batch of chocolate chip pancakes? Did I just describe my favorite REI commercial?)
The main attraction at the opening ceremony of the Burger Olympics is the lighting of the heart fire torch...just kidding, that would be ridiculous - it is obviously the dipping of the sacred tater tot into the holy bucket of ranch, of course. In addition to the sacred tater tot being slathered in holy ranch, the team captain of each country is handed a lil pyramid with their order number on it. After their team picks up their triangle pyramid dealy, they move on to the next stage of initiation which is when they are forced to nominate one member of their squad to ask the keeper of the sacred tater tot for a water cup (just for water ONLY *wink, wink*), then they go fill it up with the soda beverage of their choice at the soda beverage machine (you get bonus points for a graveyard mix and the more different drinks you use, the more bonus points you get). As for the events, there is the quickest burger flipper, the most graceful burger flipper, the tallest burger flip, the crispiest fry, the most mouthwatering milkshake and the person who looks the coolest in a visor. Yeah the Burger Olympics get pretty hotly contested but at the end of the day, the good ol U.S. of A usually takes home the most golds because we are the home to Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives and we know how to do a burger real good and real right.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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