You know how everything is supposed to be better under the sea, at least according to that song from the movie with the nautical unicorn? (Nautical Unicorn is my favorite lo-fi band from Boise, Idaho...I saw them open for Built to Spill inside the world's largest potato according to the Guinness Book of World Records and the crowd broke out into a massive mash pit, people were throwing shreds of garlic everywhere, this one lady slipped on a giant stick of butter, another dude who had been hittin' the partyin' button on his video game controller for the ultimate game known as the Game of Life (not to be confused with the popular family board game which happens to be called The Game of Life, I'm talkin' bout life Life and not the 2017 space drama starring the dude from Waiting... and a bunch of aliens or the 1999 comedy about the pokey starring Eddie Murphy before he took the world by storm and made it shake in its little yellow rain booties in The Haunted Mansion, either) a lil too hard almost up and drowned in the lazy river of gravy, the whole festival weekend was truly an out-of-skin experience, I guess you had to be there.)
"Welcome to Maroon 5 Lobsters, the most luxurious landfood restaurant in all the sea. My name is Hope and I will be your server for the day. Can I get y'all started on some glasses of sand from Fiji?" A wily octopus, the kind that has been working in the industry for way too long so that she has that permanent smirk painted all over her face, ambled over to your table which was actually just a big ol clump of seaweed that had been sewn together by a sea turtle grandma who found out that she had way too much time on her hands now that all of her kids and grandchildren have moved on to various aquariums around the world.
"Yes that would be wonderful. Could you ask that eight top of dolphins to pipe down over there? Sure, a bachelorette party is one thing and totally cool and acceptable but do they really have to be lighting off sparklers and running around with them like they own the place? Someone's food could get some sparkler debris flung onto and I don't know if I can handle digesting any more sparkler debris after that New Year's Eve party at Frank's when everyone had sparklers and Frank's wife didn't really know how to properly handle a sparkler so the banana cream pie kind of got transmogrified into a banana cream sparkler pie, much to the chagrin of Frank's mother, who had spent many meticulous hours preparing the banana cream pie dish on New Year's Eve Eve, which was actually an original recipe that was passed down by Frank's grandmother who was kind of known as the Rachel Ray of the sea, people used to call her Rachel Stingray, she was the first aquatic animal to release a cookbook that didn't promote nautical cannibalism so she is pretty much an oceanic hero on par with Aquaman (he is still widely recognized as being an oceanic hero, even after the movie), no big deal." Cindy regaled Hope, who kept looking down at one of her many watches as her other tables began to get restless and her impatience grew and energy for fake politeness withered, with the infamous banana cream pie New Year's Eve story that had been turned into an instant legend as it had been passed around at many a meal since the incident. Cindy twiddled her tentacles in delight and looked at her jellyfish compatriots for approval with a big ol cheesy grin.
All of a sudden, the leader of the dolphin bachelorette party (presumably the bride-to-be) perked her nose up into the air as if she had just caught a whiff of a delicious bucket of rotten fish heads. She briskly stood up from her eight top and floated over to the jellyfish's seaweed table like she had something to say and by golly, consarn it, did she ever!
"Excuse me, honey? Do you know who you are talking to right now?" The dolphin bride-to-be asked but more like told Cindy and her table mates. Cindy looked at her fellow jellyfish for some sort of clue, anything that could help her stumble into an answer that would not result in her being cussed out in front of her fellow jellyfish, the ultimate level of embarrassment in the jellyfish community.
"I'm...I'm...um..." Cindy mumbled and fumbled for words but could not seem to locate the right ones...maybe it had been too long since she had played that popular sea phone game, Words with Fishes. Maybe she was frightened for her safety, judging by the menacing look on the dolphin bride-to-be's typically adorable mug. (Even when dolphins try to be menacing, they just end up being more cartoonish which turns everyone within striking distance to them into pure mud.)
"That is Donna...you probably should never talk smack about Donna ever again...she will take you down to Davy Jones's Locker as well as everyone you know." A smaller, more impish looking dolphin sidekick told the table as she nodded at Donna, who had already been briefly sidetracked and was in the middle of towering over a poor lil seahorse host who was just trying to do her job. Before you even knew what was happening, pretty soon Donna was holding the seahorse host upside down by her tail and shaking all the rumpled up dollar bills and gold coins out of her pockets. Cindy returned to the group's conversation about which is the best place in the ocean to get sushi but couldn't help but steal glances at the beast of a dolphin and her dastardly deeds, probably the meanest dolphin in the illustrious history of dolphins.
When Cindy returned home and was about to go to bed, she was absolutely shocked at what she found on her pillow of seaweed...it was the severed head of the poor lil seahorse host, with blood and guts splayed everywhere to indicate that the scene of the crime was still fresh. Cindy wasn't really sure how it was a direct threat towards her since she did not know the seahorse, notwithstanding she still felt bad for the cute little thing and all its family, and it was still pretty alarming to witness the scope of the horrors that Donna was truly capable of. Cindy was so shell shocked and full of fear that she could hardly sleep that night and had to call an Uber to get to work in the morning because she was so tired and also paranoid that Donna had planted a car bomb in her Hyundai Elantra so she made sure to tell her neighbor, Steve the Starfish, a old-timer and veteran of the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise (he played the role of the starfish that lived on the side of Bootstrap Bill Turner's right eye), that she was having trouble getting her car started so would he please try to get it started for her while she was at work.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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