A thick haze is draped over the shores of Lake Erie as you wake up to the QVC channel, the rooster calling card of your seven bedroom, six bathroom, three kitchen, two rec room, one indoor trampoline lakeside cabin estate that you own with your wife, Jennifer Garner. This is also home to your seven black labs, the seven dwarfs of Lake Erie, Dopey, Mopey, Fetchy, Chuck-Ity, Beggy, Sitty and Favoritey. After listening to some old Mumford and Sons records on vinyl while doing the New York Times Sunday Crossword puzzle in front of the Christmas tree that stays up all year round in the Garnerverse and juicing (not taking performance enhancing drugs for the upcoming neighborhood round robin badminton tournament, taking performance enhancing drugs in the form of various fruits in liquid form for the upcoming neighborhood round robin badminton tournament that you are definitely going to dominate now also because Jennifer Garner is a notoriously legitimate badminton player (not to mention all around athlete and just a really great person to be around in general but we are talking about badminton at the moment so let's stick to the Wipeout obstacle course and try not to make it on the Big Balls highlight reel that is gladly passed around the ABC holiday party while Tom Bergeron eagerly eggs on the mobs of grips, gaffers and sound mixers, swarming around the crafts and services tables like bumblebees around one of those honey bear containers or maybe just a real bear who is noshing on a honeycomb (the mass of hexagonal prismatic wax cells, not the cereal...Mass of Hexagonal Prismatic Wax Cells is my favorite underground lo-fi band from the Pacific Northwest though, I saw them open up for Built to Spill underneath the awning of a Winnebago in front of a rest area on the outskirts of Yosemite) for that matter, to take a chance, for once in their life, by speaking up for themselves and finally asking for that big promotion to a major hosting position in front of the camera), actually Jenny From The Cul De Sac is a two time Southwest Tri State champion in the mostly competitive, semi amateur 21 going on 48 division and the best spiker on the upper East side according to the word around the bodegas but if I was you, I wouldn't put to much stock in the word around the bodegas unless it has to do with the Yanks-Sox or the real life iteration of Guys and Dolls. Once you are all caught up on the Little Lion Man and his sudden downfall after being captured by an orthodontist from Wisconsin, you head over to your Winter seasonal twice a week couples Santa therapy session (which you and Jennifer Garner love to do while grabbing Gingerbread Lattes at the lil hole in the wall coffee shop called Starbucks just down the cobblestone road and past the mailbox that was signed by Terry Bradshaw (which is one of the most famous tourist destinations in Eggton, Pennsylvania and the one that is most on TMZ's radar other than the giant TV outside the Sears that Allen Iverson is said to have watched as he buzzed right on through town without stopping (but not before stepping over Larry, the town drunk, who was sprawled out in a puddle of booze on the curb while wearing, in an ironic twisting of the undersized tale, an Allen Iverson number 3 Georgetown Hoyas jersey, showing that he is one of the truest supporters of The Answer in the Egg) in the early 2000s on his way to a hall of fame basketball career and a bright future as a reality television superstar) with Hank, he has a name you know and it ain't Saint Nick or Cris Cringle...and I can hear you through my computer, you are saying, "No, Chris, it's spelled Kris Kringle not Cris Cringle!" and to that, first I will say you should take a chill pill, take five and take whatever else you need to calm the h-e-double hockey sticks down. Second, I will say it should be spelled Cris Cringle in honor of Cris Carter, one of the greatest and most overlooked wide receivers in NFL history because everyone knows that Santa knows how to get both his feet in in the back of the end zone, the pylon is his BFFF (best football friend forever), be the pylon, want the pylon, put the pylon in the number one slot on your list of people to send a Christmas card to...sorry I just blacked out and became Nicolas Cage's character from Ghost Rider (who in reality is pretty difficult to distinguish from the real Nicolas Cage, if you want to go around flaunting the term real) there for a second, my B.)...The couples therapy session is with the Santa who takes photos at the Northeast Eggton Regional Mall or as the locals call it, the NERM. The NERM is home to not only the biggest indoor water slide in all of the Western part of the great state of Pennsylvania but it also houses the largest sample of goat cheese which is amazingly the equivalent of a handful of thousands of Costco's delectable bite size samples that we have come to love over the years in our growing dedication to the cult of the Kirkland Brand in accordance to the sliding scale of the wonderful aroma of tires that gently and generously slaps you across the face as you hand your receipt to the nice person who used to work as a greeter at Walmart, or as some mean people like to dub it, the Bush Leagues of Bye, and has stepped up their gig game after getting called up to the big leagues. The NERM is also the grandmotherland of the perturbed mall walker, an individual who is so deeply steeped in their morning stroll, so firmly enveloped in the oversized plastic bag of their daily constitutional that the fact that they are actually in a public place of business totally slips their mind, leaving their body language to its own devices as they just straight up blow right through cheerful holiday shoppers, fresh off their tireless Easter egg hunt for the original Bon Marche and, in turn, the highly touted Consumer Fountain of Youth. Many people Belieb in all the glory of the Consumer Fountain of Youth while other more reasonable people remain largely skeptical of its professed otherworldly magical powers. Word around the cell phone case vendor is that the Consumer Fountain of Youth is easiest to search for if you don't know what you are looking for or are, in so many words, just browsing, thank you very much for asking though.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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