Celebrity Survivor season one is down to the final four and wow, if it ain't a doozy. Lady Gaga chameleoned herself as a successful host for the new spin off Travel Channel show, Woman vs. Wild, and the heiress to Bear Grylls's throne which is actually just a sanded off tree stump, Paula Abdul reenacted her glory days in the reality TV venue but the only difference is that this time she is the mother of nature instead of the mother of the invention of the terribly beautiful audition, Matt Damon reminds the audience that once again, it's not his fault but this time it is referring to him stabbing a former ally in the back with a sawed off coconut shell and The Rock rounds out the fantastic four by being an amalgamation of the Fantastic Four. Celebrity Survivor is being held at the Four Seasons Resort Maui in Wailea, hosted by TMZ in conjunction with several celebrity-based charities including Tron for Tots, We'll Fix Your Haircut and the chef's personal favorite, Labradoodles and Labradon'tles: The Real Story Behind Labradoodles and What Not To Do With Them. We are about to join the action before the final challenge, which is taking place by a buffet of infinity pools and lazy rivers and a complex of luxurious outside showers that look like they leapt right out of a magazine that you would find in a chiropractor's waiting room or perhaps in the backyard of a cabin that is being rented out by Lady Gaga and is slated to be featured on the newest season of Woman vs. Wild. The challenge? To see who can fit the most people in a selfie. The reward? The winner gets a lifetime supply of Tommy Bahama clothes. What is a lifetime supply of Tommy Bahama clothes? Not enough Tommy Bahama clothes - that is a lifetime supply of Tommy Bahama clothes. You have to be totally sure about your love of the brand though - these flip flops don't take no flip floppers. Let's get back to the action; when we left off, The Rock was just showing off to the crowd of eager onlookers as he was casually bench pressing a weary Sumo wrestler after defeating him at his own craft, thus completing the fifth element of the Fantastic Four and forcing the Sumo wrestler to fall on a sword that he got from a vending machine that also sells holiday themed hot cocoa mixes, tattered women's undergarments (which is more tattered - the undergarments or the women? Don't let Shelly in accounting catch wind of this blog post or there will be heck to pay - the lion's share of her charitable contributions that were valid to be written off in her taxes in the past calendar year (which is pretty much her favorite thing to do outside of work even though people always tell her that she should never bring her work home with her, but tell that to the Sumo wrestlers who eat entire school districts of marine life in preparation for their upcoming bouts and even the neighboring districts (A. Gerryflandering B. GerryRaisinBrandering C. Gerrycanofcorndering D. All of the above E. Now I am hungry) when they are about to face The Rock which is actually more often than you would think - The Rock makes more rounds than Dr. Drew.) came out of respect to the Weird Stuff in Japanese Vending Machines international charity which is otherwise known as the WSJVM in select, Furry-centric circles (which is most Furry circles except for those wild ol' retired folks down in Sedona, don't even get me started on the Sedona Furries, it's a plague, you can read about it when it shows up on your Flipboard in the fetish section or the Baby Boomer section or the Baby Boomer fetish section - a few other news stories in the Baby Boomer fetish section are about the epidemic of kids being told to stop staring at the cell phones, the best time to have your morning cup of coffee (between 7:15 and 7:40 am) and a fun lil' special, limited time version parlor game of Twenty Questions: How To Figure Out If Your Spouse Still Loves You) and the entire catalog of Now That's What I Call Music! albums is another thing in the Japanese vending machine that is at the helm of its vending machine cafe. Right when the Sumo wrestler was about to pin The Rock between a boulder and a hard place, our favorite action movie star sprung into a bevy of activity with the determination of a one legged man saving the life of a building. With a menacing series of sucker punches, gut wrenches and whodunnits, the former Miami Hurricane defensive end took down not only the Sumo wrestler (and the conventional infrastructure for an actor's career path in Hollywood in the process) but the equivalent of an entire fleet of kamikazes, coming straight for his throne while Jay Z and Kanye were still watching it. Finally, The Rock vanquished his opponent and the Pacific Rim as a whole (as well as signing a multi-tiered contract to star in the newest sequel of Pacific Rim, Pacific Rim: Rampage 2.)
In the meantime, Lady Gaga is having a personal fashion show as she comes up with the newest version of blackout curtains which is just wearing a pair (a clump?) of curtains when you are already blacked out. Paula Abdul is white girl wasted on three tall glasses of Coca Cola, gingerbread people cookies and her inflated reality TV show judge ego. Matt Damon is off feuding with Jimmy Kimmel, carrying on a long-held tradition and a fixture in the late night talk show universe that stands up there with the annual Andy Richter behind the back alley oop from half court to Conan, Jimmy Fallon finally losing his cool and blowing up on some poor PA on set after years of penting up his emotion and only releasing it in tiny increments (mainly in the form of goofy Hallmark eCards, shopping on Amazon for holiday themed sweaters for his many dogs and cats (he considers all the dogs and cats that he sees in the world to be his, sort of like how everyone is Santa Claus's children or how we are all Jerry Seinfeld's audience, no matter where he goes, he can't escape the Tao of Jerry - "I just came to Whole Foods to pick up some gelato and I see a TMZ reporter all bundled up and camping out with a pickaxe in the frozen foods section - if they're looking for ice cream, I ain't buyin' - gelato or go home! Gelato all day - come get your all day gelato, cold off the press! Gelato be or not gelato to be... it's gelatoooooooo!") and being too nice, like suspiciously nice to the baristas at The Coffee Bean, probably due to his scone deficiency condition) and The Rock is in waiting as he holds down the cabana with half the Four Seasons concierge staff at the plate, a montage of one piece swimsuited individuals, the tips of their noses delicately dipped in Banana Boat suntan lotion on deck and Donnie's long lost cousin, Lonnie Darko, sporting an Easter Bunny suit in the hole. (Lonnie is a journeyman mechanic who enjoys long walks on the beach, watching sunsets with his Golden Retriever, Goldie, and solidifying the good name of the Darko's family lineage for y'all's viewing pleasure on 23andMe.)
In the meantime, Lady Gaga is having a personal fashion show as she comes up with the newest version of blackout curtains which is just wearing a pair (a clump?) of curtains when you are already blacked out. Paula Abdul is white girl wasted on three tall glasses of Coca Cola, gingerbread people cookies and her inflated reality TV show judge ego. Matt Damon is off feuding with Jimmy Kimmel, carrying on a long-held tradition and a fixture in the late night talk show universe that stands up there with the annual Andy Richter behind the back alley oop from half court to Conan, Jimmy Fallon finally losing his cool and blowing up on some poor PA on set after years of penting up his emotion and only releasing it in tiny increments (mainly in the form of goofy Hallmark eCards, shopping on Amazon for holiday themed sweaters for his many dogs and cats (he considers all the dogs and cats that he sees in the world to be his, sort of like how everyone is Santa Claus's children or how we are all Jerry Seinfeld's audience, no matter where he goes, he can't escape the Tao of Jerry - "I just came to Whole Foods to pick up some gelato and I see a TMZ reporter all bundled up and camping out with a pickaxe in the frozen foods section - if they're looking for ice cream, I ain't buyin' - gelato or go home! Gelato all day - come get your all day gelato, cold off the press! Gelato be or not gelato to be... it's gelatoooooooo!") and being too nice, like suspiciously nice to the baristas at The Coffee Bean, probably due to his scone deficiency condition) and The Rock is in waiting as he holds down the cabana with half the Four Seasons concierge staff at the plate, a montage of one piece swimsuited individuals, the tips of their noses delicately dipped in Banana Boat suntan lotion on deck and Donnie's long lost cousin, Lonnie Darko, sporting an Easter Bunny suit in the hole. (Lonnie is a journeyman mechanic who enjoys long walks on the beach, watching sunsets with his Golden Retriever, Goldie, and solidifying the good name of the Darko's family lineage for y'all's viewing pleasure on 23andMe.)
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