The big man rolls over and the Earth shakes, both figuratively and literally, as he slowly realizes that he has dozed straight on through his alarm clock. It is the big day of Christmas Eve and Saint Nick has quite the to do list weighing on his hearty soul (in accordance to his latest copy of Chicken Soup for the Festivus Pole); it doesn't help that it is already almost two o'clock in the afternoon and he is just waking up now, still wiping sleep boogers out of his eyes and still trying to figure out what latitude he is currently at after a busy night of sippin' and tippin' a goodly amount of eggnog. You see, Christmas Eve Eve is the biggest party night of the year for Kris Kringle and his army of elves (they give a whole new meaning to the motto Army Strong if you consider lifting presents like giant drones that deliver pizzas and that are twice your size well above your head to be strong which it is pretty impressive to be fair). The Anti Krampus is the kind of dude who when the server asks if he would like a soup or salad, he just goes ahead and orders a Super Salad which is a salad with Rockstar Energy Drink drizzled across the top for its dressing (Bossalmic Vinaigrette dressing as they like to call it around Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory). So yeah, it was Christmas Eve Eve and all the elves were basically going HAM while feasting on a honey glazed ham dinner that was meticulously prepared by Mrs. Claus after several hours of poring over Rachel Ray's goodly, grubby deeds from the past year. One of the more delinquent dwarves actually spiked the bowl of hot chocolate with vodka while everyone else was distracted by the three other even more delinquent dwarves who were elf stacking in an attempt to become the first ever elf tower to dunk on the regulation sized basketball hoop in Santa's workshop (elf stacking is the method by which at least three or elves stand on top of each other like they are a few fourth graders trying to get into an R rated movie in a Charles Dickens movie or a real life version of a holiday themed episode of The Simpsons, thereby putting together the proper puzzle pieces of an elf tower which is also the name of the sequel to that Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey western sci fi flick...Elf Tower is also my favorite music emporium based in Northern California...the Elf Tower is also the most popular (and only) sex move in the North Pole's version of the Kama Sutra which is called The Naughty List.) So the party's hot cocoa bowl was thoroughly spiked and the gathering of elves slowly transformed from joyous to jolly to, eventually, full on merry. Everyone was elf stacking like crazy and losing track of time and pretty soon, four hours had passed by like a snap of your fingers and no one had even had a thought about making a present or building a toy or a bear or anything for that matter. 'Twas a miraculous night of festivities at Santa's workshop on this year's Christmas Eve Eve and yet nary a present was made, leaving the big man in the lurch so he just stopped by Whole Foods and picked up some gift cards to the Olive Garden in a last ditch effort to make up for his terrible procrastination situation.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
No comments:
Post a Comment