The morning began just like any other for Matt Damon - he rolled over and was awoken by his Boston Red Sox themed alarm clock. Then the camera slowly pans out to reveal that his entire room, nay his entire house is decked out in Boston Red Sox memorabilia much like Jimmy Fallon's character in Fever Pitch. Then Matt checked his Twitter feed like he is wont to do in the early hours of the day as he rummaged through the tweets, a hoarder searching through their unit at Public Storage A Couple Towns Over for something of value to sell at the local thrift or antique shop so they can invest in more up to date knick knacks like snow globes with Santa Clauses who are vacationing in tropical destinations, snow globes with Santa Clauses who are delivering gifts around the world on Christmas Eve and snow globes with Santa Clauses who are trying to do their taxes and having a ton of trouble figuring out what they are able to write off as a charitable donation. After sifting through his Twitter feed like a real life 49er, Matt Damon went outside in his bathrobe while holding a steaming coffee mug to get the newspaper, which he still gets delivered to his house even though he is Matt Damon and you wouldn't think that he would still get the newspaper, you would think that the newspaper would care more about him than he would care about the newspaper. What Matt Damon found on his doorstep shook him to his core...a nice looking gift basket with a bunch of tasty fruit, muffins and lil packets of hot cocoa with marshmallows already in them addressed to him from the one and only Jimmy Kimmel, his old late night hosty friend. There was one part of the nice looking gift basket that stood out in particular to Matt Damon, though, and it happened to be one of those robot drone thingys. The robot drone thingy had a orange and white checkerboard design like it was fresh off the assembly line from the University of Tennessee after a bunch of people volunteered to help in its construction as well as a name tag on it that read Teke. Teke was a friendly robot drone thingy but a robot drone thingy nonetheless so its capabilities were not meant to be dealt with lightly. Rather than question Teke's ever burning desire to take over the world, no matter how many humans it may have to bury in order to accomplish this hefty task, the wise thing to do would be to embrace the all encompassing, worldly strength of the machine and the mystical powers behind the Rocky Top factory down there with the fine people of Knoxville TennessEEHEEEEEEE....let's go roll them Tide. So anyway, Teke was a beast and everyone refused to acknowledge it...everyone that is, except the one and only Jimmy Kimmel. You see, Jimmy met Teke on an online dating app for humans and robot drone thingies that is known in the circles highly exclusive community as Tinder. Teke swiped left on Jimmy's heart and Jimmy swiped left on Teke's robot puzzle piece and the rest went down in history (or the future, you know, cuz robots n stuff...Robots N Stuff was a failed Chris Hardwick pilot that was slated to run on TruTV a few slots after Impractical Jokers until one of the robots tried to do an after show about it and Chris Hardwick accused him of heisting his after show talk show format that so many people have dreamed of one day doing for their favorite show (Here are a few honorable mentions for the Best After Show Talk Show category...The Water Cooler (The Office), The Water Cooler (Parks & Rec) and The Water Cooler (The Shape of Water) (It's not a movie...but...yeah...at least it gets some Oscars street cred, you know) But yeah, Teke was a boss and no one wanted to give him any artificial intelligence respect other than Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon was about to find that out the hard way. So, Matt Damon just asked Teke to make him some coffee, like it doesn't seem like that big of an ask, right? Well apparently for the robot drone thingy, it was more of a question about what is wrong or right and how to solve the ombre puzzle of why humans exist. Pretty much, Teke just did a 900 on the whole situation right away, right when Matt Damon asked for a simple cup of straight up normal black coffee, none of that light foam, heavily sprinkled whipped dream cappuccino with a side of unlimited bread sticks that all the celebrities get on the TMZ. Teke went and made Matt Damon a Jamba Juice kind of smoothie and Matt Damon got pretty pissed about the whole ordeal so that's how his beef with Jimmy Kimmel began and the rest kind of just snowballed from there, you know how these things go.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
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