1. People who are not actors are not as important as you - if they were, they would be actors - but most actors are not as important as you either
2. Don’t make eye contact with civilians - they’ll suck your soul out or at least ask for a selfie
3. Never stop acting - even when the camera stops - just act like a douche when that happens
3.5 Realize that people don’t actually care about you - they only care about bragging to their friends that they saw you (which is why they want a picture) - you are not their friend and if they knew the real you, they wouldn’t like it
4. Someone is always watching you - don’t disappoint your eternal audience - even if it’s only the lord or a producer
4.5 If you are playing a nice character, be a jerk around set to emphasize your “skill”
5. Draw attention to yourself - then complain about people looking at you
6. Today is the most important day of your life - until tomorrow - tomorrow is Abs Day
7. Act like an alien when it comes to daily tasks so as to disassociate yourself from “the normals”
8. Feel shame when you meet real heroes like military, firefighters, police, etc.
9. Keep people around you on edge so they don’t figure out that they could do your job
10. Complain about everything in order to elevate yourself above the situation and put others who aren’t complaining down
11. Make your job appear difficult to deter others from pursuing it
12. The more you can control without doing anything, the better
13. Only talk about yourself or things related to you - if it doesn’t have to do with you, it doesn’t exist - always be ready to strike up a conversation about yourself
14. You are flawless - if you find a flaw, hair and make up missed it
15. Don’t think about things too hard - that’s not part of your contract
16. Stay in the moment - especially if the moment has a vegan alternative
17. You are what you eat - your diet consists largely of bits of douche nozzle
18. Be simultaneously needy and standoffish - if someone offers help, it’s never the right time
19. Always remember that you are better than people and they wish they could be you
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