Are you home right now? You probably should be unless your job has been deemed essential or you’re playing beer pong in or in the vicinity of an alligator-infested Florida lagoon or shooting an elk in Montana or perhaps you’re walking your dog for the fourth time today. The world has their panties in a bunch (that sentence looks pretty in pink), celebrities are losing their attention-hogging minds that work like heat-seeking missiles on the brink of destroying an innocent village of tribespeople inhabiting a chain of islands in the vicinity of Ibiza and staying home has become the new superpower, saving the universe one microwavable appetizer at a time.
Producing content has transformed into more than an artform - it’s now a way of life as Instagram Live videos have usurped bouncing balls and whistles in the mindless entertainment department (although I would argue it’s more intellectually efficient to watch a mid-major conference tournament than a C list celebrity strum away on their acoustic guitar like they’re trying to get laid in the parking lot of a Phish concert.
Now is the time for the Average Joe to become the Average Joe Pesci - it’s your time to shine, you talented, underappreciated, beautiful sonofabitch. For far too many years you’ve been relegated to the cappuccino machine, pumping away at that thing like your goddamn life depended on it. Now is the time to write that screenplay that you were so inspired to write after that you saw Rocky for the first time. That was twenty eight years ago. You’ve been sitting on a pile of gold for going on three decades now, my friend. Do you keep a journal? You should, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Time used to be something you valued - now it’s something you waste, pecking away on your mobile device, checking in on your numerous social media accounts and sipping overpriced coffee (well, at least you’re making your coffee at home for now.) You can make your time work for you by putting it to good use with every extra hour of freedom you have because of the big Q. If you’re working from home, you could read a book or go for a walk (but casually jog away from any people you come across) during the time that you would be commuting instead of checking the news for the nineteenth time before 11 am. If you lost your job and desperately need money, you could check to see if the grocery store is hiring (thanks to Joey Coco Diaz for that recommendation - “Where’s the frozen peas, cocksuckah!”) Or if you need entertainment you could explore your creative side and start writing a blog or a book or doing a podcast or doing one of those adult coloring books (but don’t let your children see any of the dirty pictures.) Or if you wanna be lazy and do nothing you could just keep doing that and no one would notice, probably. In all seriousness, this is an opportunity knocking on your door - a chance to do a complete overhaul of what makes you you or to just reaffirm the path that you are already heading down, a chance to take over your life and determine for once and for all what kind of person you want to be and how you’re gonna make it all happen. No matter what, someday everything you have ever known is just gonna be dust in the wind, blowing away gently into the Grand Canyon or some other national park but your grandchildren are probably gonna listen to some embarrassing stuff you said on a podcast and be like, “Grandpa made some good points - this is boring, though, let’s go have a virtual realty gangbang.”
Listen to my Oscar-winning podcast A Star Is Born
Get my books Sponge Cake & What’s in the Fridge?
Follow @chrisarneson8 on IG/ Save the 🐳
No comments:
Post a Comment