Swimming in a Lake

Swimming in a lake is like hanging out with your neighbor's dog. Swimming in a lake is like playing Hacky sack on the Fourth of July at a meeting of Garth Brooks's fan club which is obviously called "The Troyal Family" (in case you didn't know, Garth Brooks's real name is Troyal but everyone calls him Garth because of his unhealthy obsession with Wayne's World). Swimming in a lake is like trying to decipher a text message from your grandma. Swimming in a lake is like if your grandma texted. Swimming in a lake is like going to the grocery store to get something healthy and coming home with a 12 pack of Mountain Dew Code Red, a bag of Cheetos and more scratch off tickets than nutrients. Swimming in a lake is like playing Mario Kart on a rear projection TV. Swimming in a lake is like investing a ton of time and energy into following the NBA Summer League despite not even liking basketball in the least. Swimming in a lake is like playing one on one basketball against Adam Sandler and him imitating your voice the whole time as your anger escalates and temper burns down like a fuse on a firecracker until you finally go after him like he went after that quarterback in The Waterboy. Swimming in a lake is like breaking down stand up comedy analytically ("I'm watching film, Ma!" "That's the fourth Amy Schumer album you have listened to this afternoon! What are you, trying to get inside her mind?" And scene.) Swimming in a lake is like watching The Simpsons and realizing that something you have said your whole life was actually something that Lisa said in 1996 when she was reading the Encyclopedia Britannica to Bart as a bedtime story. Swimming in a lake is like doing the Ice Bucket Challenge and in addition to being the participant, you are the recipient of the proceeds. Swimming in a lake is like doing a trust fall with a hunk of seaweed and never trusting seaweed again once it fails to catch you if you were a person who had previously invested a large amount of trust in seaweed because you really love sushi or really hate yourself. Swimming in a lake is like jumping on a trampoline in the middle of a lake and leaping from the trampoline into said lake, thus completely submerging yourself in water and achieving the core principal of swimming in a lake. Swimming in a lake is like wearing flip flops in your own shower at home. Swimming in a lake is like combing your hair with one of those combs in your board shorts while you are at the office. Swimming in a lake is like going to school with a group of fish. Swimming in a lake is like if Jack Black was your band teacher and only spoke to you in Led Zeppelin lyrics. Swimming in a lake is like if Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard were actually like Kristen Bell and Russell Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall in real life and Jason Segel is just trailing them in their shadows wherever they go in a Hawaiian shirt with a gloomy look on his face as he sips Kombucha out of a coconut and swipes away on Tinder which is actually the plot of the New Zealand mockumentary What We Do in the Shadows. Swimming in a lake is like sitting down to do something and forgetting what you were going to do but remembering that you are Jason Bourne and immediately doing karate on everyone who looks at you cross eyed. Swimming in a lake is like if Charlize Theron from Atomic Blonde met John Wick at a wine bar and they ate cheese and sipped Chardonnay before slaughtering the waitress for bringing them the check too early. Swimming in a lake is like if you had an idea for a movie then a movie came out that is almost exactly the same as your idea but you go ahead and write the movie anyway because you figure that it is different enough and you could be Antz to their A Bug's Life. Swimming in a lake is like being an indoor cat and always looking for things to do around the house to help out. Swimming in a lake is like praying at the alter of Bill A. Bong, a boring accountant who's vanilla life has been thrown into totally tubular shambles by the internationally famous surfing company. Swimming in a lake is like breathing fire at a luau and still having to wait in line for the dessert buffet behind the lady who brought the beach towels. Swimming in a lake is like trying to come up with a metaphor for swimming in a lake but just giving up and taking a cold shower.

Visit Chris's website christheauthor.com

Buy Chris's new book What's in the Fridge? on Amazon!