Hiking

Hiking is like jackknifing into a fishbowl of West Coast IPA. Hiking is like having a full on discussion with a Golden Retriever about the merits of swimming in fresh water lakes. Hiking is like taking a warm bath in a tub sprinkled with a dusting of fern, black ice car air fresheners and pine cones the size of a novelty miniature helmet full of ice cream from Safeco Field. Hiking is like connecting with nature's WiFi. Hiking is like buying a pair of Uggs from Tom Brady while he is holding a goat and doing the Sunday crossword. Hiking is like having four fantasy football teams and trying to decide which one to pay the most attention to. Hiking is like playing blackjack with Jack Black while you watch the The Black Panther on Blu-Ray. Hiking is like when you think you know everything about something but then someone tells you something new about that thing and you get a whole new outlook on life. Hiking is like when you can't decide which pair of slack to wear so you just end up wearing Billabong board shorts to your cousin's wedding. Hiking is like going to a Modest Mouse concert and forgetting your thick-rimmed glasses that don't have frames in them. Hiking is like making a scrapbook of your childhood memories but forgetting that one time you jumped off a 50 foot bridge in your Vans. Hiking is like playing bocce ball on the equator. Hiking is like reliving the best day of your life through a View-Master. Hiking is like going on a cross country road trip with Vin Diesel. Hiking is like interrogating a lady bug under a heat lamp which in this case is just the sun. Hiking is like meeting yourself for the first time. Hiking is like filming a National Lampoon movie in the 80s. Hiking is like artificial snow in Southern California. Hiking is like going on a road trip to Montana with nothing more than a can of chewing tobacco, a notebook to record your travels and a t-shirt that says, "I Heart NY". Hiking is like seeing one of your elementary school teachers at a bowling alley and having pickleback shots of tequila while watching the Mariners game and talking about the good old days and all that fun stuff that weaves our lives together into this giant web of loveliness that we call existing as human beings. Hiking is like being Santa Claus on Saint Patrick’s Day. Hiking is like finding a treasure trove bursting at the seams with porno magazines from the 70s in the woods behind your house before the internet was a thing or now if you are old school and enjoy the glossy feeling of the ink smudging against your fingers and amalgating into one sentient being that chain smokes Newports, constantly pesters you for a back rub and is a mustache that in fact is the owner an even larger mustache. Hiking is like reading the phone book as a bedtime story for yourself. Hiking is like building your own canoe then sailing the Mississippi River for a charity that builds replicas of Viking ships for Minnesota Vikings home games. Hiking is like running over your brand new baseball glove with a ball in it in your car in the driveway. Hiking is like driving from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in a Tesla and running out of juice in the middle of the desert only to hitchhike for fifteen minutes and get picked up by Mike Tyson driving a limousine full of his tigers and Siegfried and Roy just kickin’ it in their matching white satin suits. Hiking is like if you were Elon Musk and you decided that instead of taking a rocket ship to the moon you would just like to take a nice brisk walk through the woods while considering the advantages of the Pythagorean Theorem when it comes to trying to figure out what the perfect angle to toss a Frisbee could be. Hiking is like catching a Tracy Morgan guest appearance on Conan out of the blue. Hiking is like the 2002 surfing movie Blue Crush. Hiking is like Bradley Cooper's character in Wedding Crashers. Hiking is like if you slapped someone in the face out of nowhere but then you both just had a big laugh and made it a good memory. Hiking is like forgetting that you are hiking. Hiking is like a post-apocalyptic Will Smith movie in which you become best friends with Will Smith. Hiking is like a post-apocalyptic Will Forte TV show in which you are best friends with Will Forte. Hiking is like wearing Sex Panther cologne to your family reunion and getting hit on by everyone in your family including your Great Aunt Sherry. Hiking is like living in an HGTV show. Hiking is like if Ryan Seacrest hosted your life. Hiking is like if Sierra Mist was a person who enjoyed the outdoors and long walks through nature. Hiking is like if you found a penny heads up on the ground and gave it to a friend for good luck then waited your whole life for that good luck only to discover that you had good luck your whole life. Hiking is like if you read Outside magazine in the steam room while drinking a kale smoothie and checking the stock market. Hiking is like if you recorded a podcast every single day for an entire year without releasing one then just straight up released all of them on New Year's Day of the next year. Hiking is like if you made a promise to yourself to do something then didn't really follow through on it only to find out that you easily forgive yourself and don't really hold yourself that accountable either. Hiking is like if Myq Kaplan narrated your life over footage of animals attacking each other in the wild and nature just naturing it up out there like it does if you leave it alone. Hiking is like the song Peaches by The Presidents of the United States of America being played over a beach volleyball game where everyone is playing in jeans. Hiking is like the tide coming in and washing out an entire field of contestants for the best sand castle on the beach. Hiking is like playing the Velcro Ball and Catch game with Matthew McConaughey next to a bonfire on the beach while sipping Bacardi and worshiping at the alter of your baseball bat like Pedro Cerrano in Major League.

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