Baseball was always your favorite sport, ever since your older brother's walk off home run took home the Shady Oak Little League championship game for the Papa Murphy's Padres. It wasn't just any ordinary home run, though, as the ball sailed past your left ear and nearly decapitated you as you watched the game from the outfield bleachers. Well, to say you were watching the game would be a stretch as you were more buried in your handheld game of Yahtzee at the moment, one of the most addicting video games in the history of the sport, a staple in the playbook of waiting room activities and a gateway drug to stepping up to actual gambling like Keno and Bingo. The red stitches of the baseball almost grazed the brim of your shamrock green Notre Dame Fighting Irish fitted ball cap, enough to wrestle your attention away from electronics forever...at least until you got an iPhone, but thankfully your attention span would be protected for a few more years. From that moment on, you could not get enough of America's favorite pastime...I guess you would feel the same way if you almost got your block knocked off by an aerial missile, sent off with an eerie ping (the signature sound of the aluminum bat).
Baseball would be number one and handheld Yahtzee and any other weird games that you would find in an Elk's Lodge lobby would have to take a backseat from that point on for you, to say the least.
Baseball would be number one and handheld Yahtzee and any other weird games that you would find in an Elk's Lodge lobby would have to take a backseat from that point on for you, to say the least.
You stumble to the mound as the late arriving crowd files into their seats, buzzing with anticipation for the late season affair between the two rivals.
To say you have been looking forward to this moment would be the understatement of the century...your whole life has been building towards it for almost as long as you can remember at this point. Wrigley Field has always seemed like a utopia in your eyes, but you have never had the chance to make it there and never thought you would have the time or money to do so, what with your busy schedule that is chock full with you splitting time between being a Fed Ex truck driver and writer. It was September 5, 2022 and the Chicago Cubs were taking on their arch rival, the St. Louis Cardinals at their legendary home ball park. It wasn't just any game either - the Cubs and Cardinals had been knotted in a tight race for the lead of their division for the majority of the season and the good guys had the edge by two and a half games on the big day - excuse me, more like on your big day (it would be like if it was the Super Bowl for you but for everyone else in the stadium it is just another September major league baseball game that will have playoff implications). You had somehow weaseled your way into a situation where you were offered the once in a lifetime opportunity to toss out the first pitch at a major league baseball game, a legitimate dream come true scenario and an event that you will be bragging about at breweries and house parties for decades to come. The chance came your way with the help from the Field of Dreams gods as your old buddy from college, Tony Moores, who had worked for the Cubs organization as an assistant in the marketing department for the past year and a half hooked you up with the golden ticket after the team's first option, Nathan Fillion dropped out due to a scheduling mix up because he was actually supposed to be filming a show about a criminal-turned-cop from Detroit who isn't afraid to bend the rules to get the job done, even if it means risking it all to catch the perp...The best episode of the show is when Fillion goes to his high school reunion and puts his old bully in a headlock on center stage in front of the whole class before spiking the punch and doing a dance that he choreographed himself after several painstaking hours in the lab with a Paula Abdul wannabe.
This is easily the best day of your life and you are doing your best to eat it all up before the clock strikes midnight on your fairy tale spider web of a story and the time arrives in which you are no longer being cheered on by thousands of people while stomping all over one of the most historic landmarks in all of sports and also getting to kick it with a bunch of professional athletes and pretending that you are one of them too.
Your Mom and Dad were going nuts the second that Nate hit the ball that won it for the Papa Murphy's Padres, a moment that he will never live down, not for ten thousand family Christmas get togethers at our Aunt Kathy's cabin by the lake. I dare you to try to get through a game of Apples to Apples with that dude without him spouting off about the aerial projection of that hit, like he had a high level, super smart science degree and hadn't worked at the post office since he graduated from high school.
At first, you couldn't believe your eyes.
A streaker.
This wasn't just any streaker, though - this was a streaker of epic proportions, the kind of streaker that those in attendance will never be able to shake clean from their brain's Etch-A-Sketch, no matter how much therapy they go in the coming years to as a result of the event. An elderly man who was wearing nothing more than his long gray hair, which reached down to the middle of his back, strided across the outfield grass, a breathtaking gazelle; it was as if the life had never escaped his old timey legs. His mane soared in the wind as the Wrigley Field crowd roared in excitement and unfiltered joy at a level that had never been realized in their lives until that day.
The whole team went to Dairy Queen after Nate's big home run. He couldn't stop bragging about it which you and your little sister, Macie, thought was pretty funny but you had to give it to him - it was probably the coolest thing that he would ever do in his life. Anyway, the first round of Blizzards was on Coach Dan and when Nate tipped his over to test the sturdiness of how well his Reese's Pieces Blizzard had been packed, all his ice cream came flying out everywhere...at least that's what you wished would have happened - it would have slowed his roll a little bit, that's for dang stinkin' sure, you can bet on that much. Nate never did become a New York Yankee, though, or a player for any major league baseball team for that matter. He caught the chess bug in tenth grade and never looked back, going on to become a four time Great Lakes Amateur Chess Champion and a legend in most YMCA circles across the greater Midwest.
In an amazing spinning of the office chairs, another streaker splashed onto the scene.
His soul mate, a gorgeous goddess of a woman with a similar hairstyle, aimed to meet the disgusting ogre at center field as she leapt over the wall behind third base, he over the first. It was truly a roller coaster ride for the Wrigley Field crowd on that sunny afternoon, flipping back and forth between agony and elatement like a couple grandparents relaxing on their favorite pieces of furniture and settling in with a couple mugs of chamomile herbal tea for a night of arguing about which major league baseball game to watch because they have the MLB Extra Innings package and get all the games so it is quite the paradox of choice type of experience for them (imagine the agony if they would have to deal with if they had Netflix - oh the horror!).
You never did get to throw out that first pitch - a couple ball boys rushed you off the field during the big commotion and you were simply too swept up in the crazy emotions of the situation that you didn't know what to say or do but all you know is that you kind of wanted to cry and aren't too proud to admit that a little tear did smudge down the side of your cheek, maybe.
As a consolation prize of sorts, the Cubs offered you an opportunity to do it again in the beginning of the 2023 season but your old college buddy Tony Moores got fired for gambling on the Cincinnati Reds to win the World Series...some talking heads have called him the Pete Rose of major league baseball marketing departments while others have likened him more to a young man who got caught up in a high stakes gambling operation that was way over his head and nearly ended up stealing his life... to be totally fair, most talking heads are not as familiar with Moores and his minor exploits.
You ended up taking home a couple Iowa Cubs tickets, a mug that says #1 Cub and one of those singing tunas that exclusively talks like Harry Caray but the experience was priceless and you came to the decision that this would make the best Mastercard commercial ever so you are going to shoot their marketing team a couple Tweets in the morning.
Your Mom and Dad were going nuts the second that Nate hit the ball that won it for the Papa Murphy's Padres, a moment that he will never live down, not for ten thousand family Christmas get togethers at our Aunt Kathy's cabin by the lake. I dare you to try to get through a game of Apples to Apples with that dude without him spouting off about the aerial projection of that hit, like he had a high level, super smart science degree and hadn't worked at the post office since he graduated from high school.
At first, you couldn't believe your eyes.
A streaker.
This wasn't just any streaker, though - this was a streaker of epic proportions, the kind of streaker that those in attendance will never be able to shake clean from their brain's Etch-A-Sketch, no matter how much therapy they go in the coming years to as a result of the event. An elderly man who was wearing nothing more than his long gray hair, which reached down to the middle of his back, strided across the outfield grass, a breathtaking gazelle; it was as if the life had never escaped his old timey legs. His mane soared in the wind as the Wrigley Field crowd roared in excitement and unfiltered joy at a level that had never been realized in their lives until that day.
The whole team went to Dairy Queen after Nate's big home run. He couldn't stop bragging about it which you and your little sister, Macie, thought was pretty funny but you had to give it to him - it was probably the coolest thing that he would ever do in his life. Anyway, the first round of Blizzards was on Coach Dan and when Nate tipped his over to test the sturdiness of how well his Reese's Pieces Blizzard had been packed, all his ice cream came flying out everywhere...at least that's what you wished would have happened - it would have slowed his roll a little bit, that's for dang stinkin' sure, you can bet on that much. Nate never did become a New York Yankee, though, or a player for any major league baseball team for that matter. He caught the chess bug in tenth grade and never looked back, going on to become a four time Great Lakes Amateur Chess Champion and a legend in most YMCA circles across the greater Midwest.
In an amazing spinning of the office chairs, another streaker splashed onto the scene.
His soul mate, a gorgeous goddess of a woman with a similar hairstyle, aimed to meet the disgusting ogre at center field as she leapt over the wall behind third base, he over the first. It was truly a roller coaster ride for the Wrigley Field crowd on that sunny afternoon, flipping back and forth between agony and elatement like a couple grandparents relaxing on their favorite pieces of furniture and settling in with a couple mugs of chamomile herbal tea for a night of arguing about which major league baseball game to watch because they have the MLB Extra Innings package and get all the games so it is quite the paradox of choice type of experience for them (imagine the agony if they would have to deal with if they had Netflix - oh the horror!).
You never did get to throw out that first pitch - a couple ball boys rushed you off the field during the big commotion and you were simply too swept up in the crazy emotions of the situation that you didn't know what to say or do but all you know is that you kind of wanted to cry and aren't too proud to admit that a little tear did smudge down the side of your cheek, maybe.
As a consolation prize of sorts, the Cubs offered you an opportunity to do it again in the beginning of the 2023 season but your old college buddy Tony Moores got fired for gambling on the Cincinnati Reds to win the World Series...some talking heads have called him the Pete Rose of major league baseball marketing departments while others have likened him more to a young man who got caught up in a high stakes gambling operation that was way over his head and nearly ended up stealing his life... to be totally fair, most talking heads are not as familiar with Moores and his minor exploits.
You ended up taking home a couple Iowa Cubs tickets, a mug that says #1 Cub and one of those singing tunas that exclusively talks like Harry Caray but the experience was priceless and you came to the decision that this would make the best Mastercard commercial ever so you are going to shoot their marketing team a couple Tweets in the morning.
Buy Chris's books SPONGE CAKE & WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE? on Amazon
No comments:
Post a Comment