A Day in the Life: Russell Westbrook pt. 1

3:00 AM: Wake up to the Rocky theme song playing in his head and immediately do a huge fist pump cuz he just remembered he gets to be Russell Westbrook all the time and this is awesome life is good.

3:04 AM: Shadow box himself in the mirror and win. Russell Westbrook always wins.

3:16 AM: Eat a bowl of Wheaties with nails, shards of glass and craisins.

3:38 AM: Do hot yoga and envision himself jumping over the Great Wall of China.

3:53 AM: Hella Wii Bowling.

4:21 AM: Text parents to tell them he loves them.

4:47 AM: Spin a basketball on fingers until it teleports him to another dimension consisting only of hoops.

5:02 AM: Do the morning crossword and be brought to tears by how beautiful the world is.

5:15 AM: Read Malcolm Gladwell and get confused about why he hasn’t written a sociological study about him.

5:39 AM: Chill, like super tough. Nobody chills tougher than Russell Westbrook. 

5:58 AM: Write a haiku about how basketball is the only true love of his life.

6:17 AM: Play NBA Live as the Warriors and never pass to Kevin Durant out of spite.

6:44 AM: Listen to Pete Holmes podcast and ponder existence and the purpose of life.

7:00 AM: Stare into his eyes in the mirror and tell himself he’s a boss and no one can stop him.

7:19 AM: Talk to his cat through a series of eyebrow raises and blinks.

7:32 AM: Etch-A-Sketch a bald eagle soaring over the Super Bowl.

7:55 AM: Drink a kale and lighter fluid smoothie with Steven Adams’ mustache hairs sprinkled on.

8:20 AM: More NBA Live. Create a team full of Russell Westbrooks on NBA Live and defeat the Thunder 168-97. Russell Westbrook dunked on Russell Westbrook and the universe folded in on itself and Poseidon reigned terror in briny swells as clouds of fury torrented puddles of one-legged rainbow-colored Argentine Horned Frogs.

8:53 AM: Read a negative blog post about himself and set out on a vengeance to devastate all forms of humanity.

9:11 AM: Make a list of all the movies he could have played the main character in including James Bond, Harry Potter and Jurassic Park.