Quirky iPhone Cases

1. Troy Aikman staring blankly into space
2. The Jack in the Box guy playing beach volleyball in Cabo
3. A Mogwai doing Tai chi
4. Kobe passing the ball to a teammate
5. Harry Potter bowling while Draco Malfoy seethes as he drinks a Pepsi and Ron Weasley puts their names in on the old computer with a joystick and Hermione eats cheese fries
6. Sloths playing Texas hold’em
7. An army of snowman murdering a snow angel with icicles 
8. A picture of an iPhone
9. An advertisement for Farmersonly.com
10. Pineapple soup
    

Haikus About Friends

Loco Monica

Chandler is pretty unique 

They wear cool jackets

Apartment pinball

Marcel the monkey for a bit

Oh, dinosaurs

So many guest stars

Reese Witherspoon, George Clooney

Paul Rudd loves Phoebe

A Haiku About Friends

Ross is neurotic

Phoebe singing smelly cat

Joey’s acting career

NBA 1/30 - James and the Giant Peach

Player of the day - James Harden - 60 pts, 11 ast, 10 reb, 4 stl, 19/30 fg, 17/18 ft

LeBron Radar - 21 pts, 7 ast, 6 reb LeBron rejoiced that his Kevin Love voodoo doll finally paid off.

Quote of the day - “The one thing that can solve most of our problems is dancing.” - James Brown

Quote of the day pt. 2 - “It feels so good to be happy.” - Etta James

Picture of the day - “Sad Bear After Losing to Mark Wahlberg in Fight”

ABCs of Hollywood: Action Movies

The balder you are, the better action star you will be just ask Jason Statham, Bruce Willis or The Rock. The crazier you are, the better action star you will be just ask Mel Gibson, Steven Seagal or the aliens Tom Cruise worships. The more foreign you are, the better action star you will be just ask Jackie Chan, Liam Neeson or the aliens Tom Cruise worships. You are also liable to become a walking meme, like when is the last time Chuck Norris went to a bar and some guy didn’t try to deliver a roundhouse to his temple. Uma Thurman breaking out of that casket in Kill Bill Volume II is like the high school nerd smashing their way out of a locker with a trapper keeper. Michelle Rodriguez makes Jimmy Johnson the NASCAR driver look like Jimmy Johnson the NFL haircut.

Bench Marks

1. Phil Dunphy real estate agent advertisement
2. Bald eagle eating a family of worms 
3. LeBron dunking over Blake Griffin dunking over a Kia
4. Forrest Gump holding a box of chocolates 
5. Bo Jackson running up a wall
6. Rob Schneider, David Spade and Jon Heder playing baseball
7. Phone number for local guitar/Italian/basket weaving tutorial in the Whole Foods parking lot taught by a dude who looks like Russell Brand just spent the last two weeks at an Ayahuasca ceremony 
8. Mark Wahlberg wrestling a bear and you feel sorry for the bear
9. Pete Rose placing a bet on his team
10. Promotion for Vine
    
    
    

Made Up Movie: “The I.T. Guy”

Director: Paul Feig

Running Time: 117 minutes

Budget: $77 million

Box Office: $121 million

Cast: Josh Gad as Troy Mangum

Kristen Bell as Cindy Poole

Jordan Peele as Mike St. Lewis

Melissa McCarthy as Janet Badge

Setting: Toledo, Ohio

Plot: Troy Mangum just moved to Ohio from New Jersey for a job as the Information Technology Technician at United Printers Incorporated. He quickly discovers the shady underground dealings of the Toledo printer sector when he stumbles into a suspicious meeting between Cindy Poole, his boss, and aggressively trained hitwoman Janet Badge. Poole is swift to let Mangum know if he ever lets anyone find out, his job and possibly even life may be in jeopardy. Aided by salesman Mike St. Lewis, a mild mannered Gemini who enjoys playing racquetball at the YMCA in his free time, Mangum sets off to expose Poole’s secrets and dodge Badge.

Japanese Game Show: Sunday Funday

Object: Watch football while laying on a leather couch and drinking beer

Obstacle: The couch you are laying on has just been shrimped by an angry ex-con seeking seafood revenge against the husband of his ex-girlfriend 

Reward: $50 gift card to Helly Hansen

Charity: Estate of El Chapo

Shaq Free Throw Metaphors

1. Seeing an old man trip as he crosses a six lane street
2. An eight year old doing the Sunday Sudoku
3. A lice infestation at summer camp
4. Your waiter dropping a bowl of hot chili on your fiancé 
5. Observing a roofer fall off an apartment building
6. Trying to change the water cooler and spilling it everywhere when you flip it
7. Witnessing your cat claw your dogs’ eyes out
8. Attempting to TiVo your favorite show but accidentally TiVoing paid programming after it
9. Amtrak’s stock value
10. A turtle being flipped on its back then eaten by a hawk
    

NBA 1/29 - Whiteside Story

Player of the day - Hassan Whiteside - 25 pts, 14 reb (7 oreb), 10/15 fg
LeBron Radar - LeBron wrote a poem about a bank teller who goes to see a man about a dog and finds themself.
Quote of the day - “You are a unique person created for a specific purpose.” - Michael Oher
Quote of the day pt. 2 - “Maybe your weird is my normal. Who’s to say?” - Nicki Minaj
Picture of the day - “On the Street and Narrow”

Crazy Costco Lists

1. 6 pack of Monster truck wheels
2. Replica of Shaq’s bed
3. Giant cell phone
4. Old-timey exploding camera
5. Inflatable basketball court 
6. Your parents’ high school yearbooks
7. Starbucks mermaid costume
8. Box set of Harlem Gospel Choir’s greatest hits
9. AOL email
10. Those high-waisted pants from the movie Her
11. 112 doggie poop bags 
12. Little People Bowflex 
    
    
    

Brad Pitt Eating Translated

1. Slurping a Jamba Juice smoothie-“I wear expensive jeans and vacation in Aspen.”
2. Devouring a burrito from Taco Bell-“I’m stoned and content and better looking than you.”
3. Munching on an expensive cheese platter-“I once killed a guy in Paris and blamed it on my cousin who looks just like me.” 
4. Noshing on a quesadilla-“I could learn to speak Spanish but I’m too busy doing Brad Pitt things like sandboarding and playing high stakes Rummy.” 
5. Crunching a carrot-“I’m eating this for the taste cuz my skin is already so vibrant and nourished.”
6. Chomping a Ritz cracker-“This is so beneath me, someone get me a glass of water for all this salt.”
7. Chewing a banana-“Nobody looks as cool as me peeling this thing.”
8. Wolfing down a steak-“I didn’t go to college and I make millions more than you.”
9. Gorging on a bowl of ice cream-“My brain has an inner microwave.”
10. Overindulging in a jar of pistachios-“I can even break the ones that are completely covered in shells.”
    

Blake Griffin Trade Reaction

Does Funny or Die have an office in Detroit? How many days until Blake does a parody video of Stan Van Gundy’s 70s porn mustache? How many days until Blake grows a 70s porn mustache? What improv club is Blake going to go to now? How will Detroit affect his stand up comedy career? How will Detroit fans like his goofy antics? Will they understand his subtle facial expressions and half smiles? Will they be offended by his offhanded style? Will the Lions finally win a playoff game? What does Barry Sanders think of Blake? Could Blake jump over Barry Sanders for a dunk like Vince Carter and the French dude? How much will LeBron get in his head in the playoffs? Do they have Whole Foods in Detroit? Do they have kale in Detroit? Do they have Kias in Detroit for Blake to leap over? 

A Day in the Life: Russell Westbrook pt. 1

3:00 AM: Wake up to the Rocky theme song playing in his head and immediately do a huge fist pump cuz he just remembered he gets to be Russell Westbrook all the time and this is awesome life is good.

3:04 AM: Shadow box himself in the mirror and win. Russell Westbrook always wins.

3:16 AM: Eat a bowl of Wheaties with nails, shards of glass and craisins.

3:38 AM: Do hot yoga and envision himself jumping over the Great Wall of China.

3:53 AM: Hella Wii Bowling.

4:21 AM: Text parents to tell them he loves them.

4:47 AM: Spin a basketball on fingers until it teleports him to another dimension consisting only of hoops.

5:02 AM: Do the morning crossword and be brought to tears by how beautiful the world is.

5:15 AM: Read Malcolm Gladwell and get confused about why he hasn’t written a sociological study about him.

5:39 AM: Chill, like super tough. Nobody chills tougher than Russell Westbrook. 

5:58 AM: Write a haiku about how basketball is the only true love of his life.

6:17 AM: Play NBA Live as the Warriors and never pass to Kevin Durant out of spite.

6:44 AM: Listen to Pete Holmes podcast and ponder existence and the purpose of life.

7:00 AM: Stare into his eyes in the mirror and tell himself he’s a boss and no one can stop him.

7:19 AM: Talk to his cat through a series of eyebrow raises and blinks.

7:32 AM: Etch-A-Sketch a bald eagle soaring over the Super Bowl.

7:55 AM: Drink a kale and lighter fluid smoothie with Steven Adams’ mustache hairs sprinkled on.

8:20 AM: More NBA Live. Create a team full of Russell Westbrooks on NBA Live and defeat the Thunder 168-97. Russell Westbrook dunked on Russell Westbrook and the universe folded in on itself and Poseidon reigned terror in briny swells as clouds of fury torrented puddles of one-legged rainbow-colored Argentine Horned Frogs.

8:53 AM: Read a negative blog post about himself and set out on a vengeance to devastate all forms of humanity.

9:11 AM: Make a list of all the movies he could have played the main character in including James Bond, Harry Potter and Jurassic Park.

NBA 1/28 - Sweeney Fred: The Demon Barber of Van Vleet Street

Player of the day - Fred Van Vleet - 25 pts, 4 ast, 2 reb, 2 stl, 9/13 fg, 3/4 3p

LeBron Radar - 25 pts, 14 ast, 8 reb LeBron watched the Grammys and thought about how he would totally dominate them too if he only had the time.

Quote of the day - “I think the thing to do is enjoy the ride while you’re on it.” - Johnny Depp 

Quote of the day pt. 2 - “I liked pretending to be other people; I could reinvent myself, reinvent my own reality.” - Helena Bonham Carter

Picture of the day - “Shine bright”

Japanese Game Show: Sushi Who

Object: Eat a platter of sushi while watching a Dr. Who marathon in virtual reality

Obstacle: Your hands are tied together and you have to wear a muumuu that is two sizes too small while listening to a Bruno Mars/Michael Jackson combo impersonator sing Justin Timberlake covers

Reward: An armoire and ottoman set

Charity: TVs for Toddlers

Shaq Free Throw Metaphors

1. A mountain lion stalking and terrorizing an innocent family of backpackers before devouring them 
2. A cobra being released in the middle of a classroom of kindergarteners 
3. A Starbucks with exclusively blind employees 
4. Shopping at Walmart on Black Friday
5. Dropping acid at Disney Land then losing your keys and friends
6. Getting incorrect directions from Maps on your iPhone 
7. Being cursed out by a dude with a goatee and road rage
8. Ryan Seacrest doing anything except hosting
9. Farting and you think it’s gonna be silent but it’s super loud and everyone in the office looks at you 
10. Watching a romantic comedy directed by Michael Bay
    
    
    

Crazy Costco Lists

1. Tropical shants 
2. 18 foot banner that says “Who’s the boss?”
3. Gallon of cantaloupe coated almonds 
4. Pillow with image of Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg standing back to back with their arms smugly folded
5. Pack of 72 John Hughes themed postcards
6. Ryan Gosling’s satin bomber jacket from Drive
7. 34 variety pack of Tic Tacs
8. VHS player
9. Nerf couch
10. Lifesize bobblehead of Michael Scott doing yoga 
11. Exercise bike
12. Cardboard cutout of Costco co-founders, James Sinegal and Jeffrey Brotman, standing back to back with their arms smugly folded
    

College Mascot Babies

Virginia Tech Hokies + Virginia Cavaliers = Zeldas 

Penn State Nittany Lions + Maryland Terrapins = Sea Cows

Indiana Hoosiers + Indiana State Sycamores = Maple Leafs

Boston College Eagles + Syracuse Orange = Orioles

Georgetown Hoyas + West Virginia Mountaineers = Grizzly Pups

Notre Dame Fighting Irish + Providence Friars = Nuns

St. John’s Red Storm + DePaul Blue Demons = Yellow Trees

Rutgers Scarlet Knights + Seton Hall Pirates = Tom Hanks in Captain Phillips

South Florida Bulls + Wake Forest Demon Deacons = Minotaurs

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets + Georgia Bulldogs = Chihuahuas 

This American Town: Trampert, Kentucky

Motto: “Life is a moving mural”

High school mascot: Spotted Steeds

Mayor: Tip Durham Sr.

Population: 11,844

Founded: 1841

Fun fact: Trampert was dubbed “Town of 1,000 Horses” by Equine Picayune Bi-Weekly before a local pyromaniac burned down the municipality’s lone house barn, incinerating their entire horse population.

What If Scenarios

1. What if the moon was made of cheese. Result: Buzz Aldrin’s cholesterol would be higher.
2. What if pigs could fly. Result: Joe Rogan would shoot them like clay pigeons.
3. What if Russell Westbrook never picked up a basketball. Result: He would get super into air hockey until he eventually played the world champion and lost in a highly controversial match.
4. What if dogs played poker. Result: Phil Hellmuth would talk shit to a French Bulldog.
5. What if it rained frogs. Result: Herpetologists would be thrilled.
6. What if teachers were highly compensated. Result: Ferris Bueller would respect them even less.
7. What if Will Ferrell was a barista. Result: TMZ would mob that Starbucks.
8. What if turtles were fast. Result: The Tortoise and the Hare would have a Vegas betting line.
9. What if Edgar Martinez was in the Hall of Fame. Result: Mariners fans would focus their attention on their own lives.
10. What if cats were friendly. Result: They would be faking it and scratch your face off in your sleep.
11. What if Santa was skinny. Result: He would be less jolly.
12. What if Lindsey Lohan went to college. Result: She would become the world’s foremost rocketeer.
    
    
    
    Follow Chris on Twitter @LilArneson

NBA 1/27 - All About Steph

Player of the day - Stephen Curry - 49 pts, 5 ast, 4 reb, 2 stl, 8/13 3p, 16/24 fg
LeBron Radar - LeBron made the tastiest omelet ever, like it would have blown Guy Fieri’s frosted tips off. Gordon Ramsey would have cursed LeBron out for cooking such a savory meal. Rachel Ray would put it in a cookbook but play it off like it was her idea.
Quote of the day - “Failing is what we do or stumbling is what we do on a daily basis.” - Sandra Bullock
Quote of the day pt. 2 - “If you look at anything there are always comedic moments.” - Bradley Cooper
Picture of the day - “The Scarecrow and Bunny Rabbit”

Japanese Game Show: Sock Exchange

Object: Go into a sock store and select the flyest pair of socks according to Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell

Obstacle: An army of mean clowns will drop a sack of rubber snakes on you every 40 seconds

Reward: You get to see your family again

Charity: Burritos for College Students

NBA 1/26 - Hercules

Player of the day - Giannis Antetokounmpo - 41 pts, 13 reb, 7 ast, 14/20 fg, 3/3 3p

LeBron Radar - 26 pts, 11 ast, 10 reb, 4 stl, 11/17 fg LeBron took the Cavs to P!nkberry, froyo karaoke, and sung a “Don’t Stop Believin’” duet with Kyle Korver’s cousin.

Quote of the day - “You never know what your opportunities are going to be.” - Susan Egan

Quote of the day pt. 2 - “You can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets.” - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Picture of the day - “Inspired”

Japanese Game Show: Terrible Car Wash

Object: Wash a Honda Odyssey while a class of delinquent teenagers continuously launch balloons of hot chili at it and you. 

Obstacle: Instead of soap you are only allowed to use hand sanitizer and the ash of your deceased loved ones.

Reward: A bumper sticker 

Charity: Hondas for Hillbillies

This American Town: Dilah, Kansas

Population: 1,738

Motto: “We’re tired of the Wizard of Oz references”

High school mascot: Lions

Mayor: Jan Water

Founded: 1849

Fun fact: Upon passing through on horse and carriage, Abraham Lincoln called Dilah “a horrendous eyesight, truly a despicable piece of land”. A plaque hangs in the town square to commemorate the president’s quote.

A Totally Honest Review of Grosse Pointe Blank

Assassins are like so romantic. Why wasn’t John Wick this romantic? What happened to Jeremy Piven’s hair? John Cusack broods like a cat who just saw rearranged furniture. Jeremy Piven looks like someone Ari Gold would scream at. Ari Gold would drop kick 1997 Jeremy Piven. Mini Driver is the name of Ari Gold’s junk. Mini Driver is also the name of Tiger Woods’ junk. She was good in this movie, though.

NBA 1/25 - Brally McBeal

Player of the day - Brad Beal - 41 pts, 12 reb, 7 ast, 2 stl, 15/26 fg, 6/11 3p
Another 40 point game - Russell Westbrook - 46 pts, 6 ast, 6 reb, 2 stl, 19/29 fg
LeBron Radar - LeBron wrote down his goals which include becoming president, the greatest basketball player of all time and eviscerating Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love’s essences into a fine powder and placing them in an urn to put in his garage.
Quote of the day - “I am who I am. I’m not going to change for anybody.” - Calista Flockhart
Quote of the day pt. 2 - “I want to exude strength and intelligence.” - Portia de Rossi
Quote of the day pt. 3 - “I don’t think I do anything that well but I do a little bit of everything.” - Jane Krakowski
Picture of the day - “Catsimile”

What If Scenarios

1. What if you could learn a language by pressing a button on your forehead. Result: Humans would be much smarter as a whole.
2. What if you could exercise by never leaving the couch. Result: Humans would be much lazier as a whole.
3. What if these walls could talk. Result: They would talk about some gross stuff they’ve seen.
4. What if you could serve a tennis ball across the Grand Canyon. Result: There would be less tennis balls inside the Grand Canyon.
5. What if you could teleport by singing the Friends theme song. Result: I’ll be there for youuuuuuu! On Mars.
6. What if you could have a conversation with your pet. Result: They would be annoying.
7. What if they had Uber Airplanes. Result: There would be more airplane crashes.
8. What if you could text any famous person from history. Result: Hitler’s iPhone would be blowing up.
9. What if you could play a character in your favorite movie. Result: Dudes would be Rocky and girls would be Wonder Woman.
10. What if you could attend your favorite historic sporting event. Result: People would be confused by your iPhone and attack you and steal it.
11. What if you could be a professional athlete. Result: The quality of professional sports would decline.
12. What if you could visit any city in the world by doing a lil dance. Result: Dougie for Dubai!
    

This American Town: Mire Bluff, Iowa

Population: 678

Motto: “The last bastion of maize”

High school mascot: Cobs

Mayor: Jane Jett Jr. aka Three J

Founded: 1877

Fun fact: Y’all like corn?

Japanese Game Show: Parrot Pun

Object: Design the ultimate ice cream cone 

Obstacle: A guy in a trench coat will be yelling the directions to Monopoly in your ear while his wife tickles your other ear with an Orange Bellied Parrot feather also an Orange Bellied Parrot will be there to repeat everything the guy in a trench coat says

Reward: You get to watch the show Modern Family for 24 hours straight and eat the ice cream cone you designed

Charity: Exotic Birds

NBA 1/24 - The Curious Case of Benjamin Simmons

Player of the day - Ben Simmons - 19 pts, 17 reb, 14 ast, 2 blk
Round Mound of Rebound of the day - Andre Drummond - 30 pts, 24 reb (8 oreb), 6 blk, 4 ast, 3 stl, 11/17 fg
LeBron Radar - LeBron watched Live with Kelly and Ryan and sang into his hairbrush in the mirror like he was trying out for American Idol.
Quote of the day - “I always liked those moments of epiphany, when you have the next destination.” - Brad Pitt
Quote of the day pt. 2 - “If you know you are going to fail, then fail gloriously.” - Cate Blanchett
Picture of the day - “Old Dogs”

Japanese Game Show: Boot Boot

Object: Kick your shoe off the farthest into the pile of manure that Biff drove into in Back to the Future 

Obstacle: A Marty McFly lookalike will be constantly kicking your shins and questioning your manhood while a Doc Brown doppelgänger asks you for help in building a flux capacitor 

Reward: A complete DVD box set of the James Bond collection 

Charity: Hoverboards for the Homeless

NBA 1/23 - Temple of Doom

Player of the day - Garrett Temple - 34 pts, 5 ast, 14/17 fg, 4/7 3p

4th quarter of the day - Kyle Kuzma - 28 pts (17 in 4th quarter), 10/16 fg, 5/7 3p

LeBron Radar - 28 pts, 9 reb, 7 ast LeBron became the 7th and youngest player to reach 30,000 points and celebrated by doing triangle pushups, counting his blessings and making a Kevin Love voodoo doll.

Quote of the day - “We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.” - Harrison Ford

Quote of the day pt. 2 - “The moment somebody says ‘this is very risky’ is the moment it becomes attractive to me.” - Kate Capshaw

Picture of the day - “Candy Lotto Winner”

This American Town: Prayna, Indiana

Population: 22,417

Motto: “Prayna brings joy and hope”

High school mascot: Bishops

Mayor: Jill Lantern

Founded: 1843

Fun fact: The Prayna Bishops football team holds an annual summer camp in Indianapolis where Peyton Manning gives the starting quarterback a private seminar in being a humorous commercial spokesperson.

Japanese Game Show: Bubble Teatotalers

Object: Shoot a paintball gun at an old man in a baby suit with a bullseye painted on his chest while an attractive woman takes your intricate bubble tea order 

Obstacle: You have to wear fingerless gloves and remember traumatic childhood memories

Reward: Several bubble tea franchises

Charity: Save the Whalers

NBA 1/22 - Boogie Nights

Player of the day - Demarcus Cousins - 44 pts, 24 reb (7 oreb), 10 ast, 4 stl, 5/11 3p, 13/14 ft

Another triple double - Blake Griffin - 32 pts, 12 ast, 12 reb

Another 40 point game - Andrew Wiggins - 40 pts, 6 reb, 3/7 3p

Player of the day pt. 2 - Jamal Murray - 38 pts, 6 ast, 5 reb, 14/19 fg, 4/6 3p

LeBron Radar - LeBron climbed twelve Empire State Buildings on the StairMaster and watched Ballers and laughed about how small The Rock is.

Quote of the day - “I never lie. I believe everything I say so it’s not a lie.” - Mark Wahlberg 

Quote of the day pt. 2 - “Art is an expression of who we are, what we believe and what we dream about.” - Julianne Moore 

Quote of the day pt. 3 - “I’d have made a terrible nun.” - Heather Graham 

Quote of the day pt. 4 - “Life’s pretty funny when you’re objectively on the outside looking at it.” - Philip Seymour Hoffman

Picture of the day - “Checkmate” 

This American Town: Reece, Illinois

Population: 4,763

Motto: “America’s Truck Stop”

High school mascot: Harvest

Mayor: Michael Jordan (same name coincidentally)

Founded: 1844

Fun fact: Reece is home to the most competitive bowling league in Southwest Illinois, according to their parks and recreation department’s website.

College Mascot Babies

Tennessee Volunteers + Florida Gators = Leather 

Duke Blue Devils + North Carolina Tar Heels = Oyster Shuckers

Washington Huskies + Washington State Cougars = Manx Cats

USC Trojans + UCLA Bruins = Ringmasters 

Stanford Cardinal + Cal Golden Bears = Red Bears

Texas Longhorns + Oklahoma Sooners = Steer Pioneers

Alabama Rolling Tide + Auburn Tigers = Noah’s Ark 

Arizona Wildcats + Arizona State Sun Devils = Pumas

Colorado Buffaloes + Utah Utes = Mormon Bison

Kansas Jayhawks + Iowa Hawkeyes = Jayhawkeyes

Japanese Game Show: Crash Into Cakes

Object: See how many bundt cakes you can throw at a dolphin’s dorsal fin before you are attacked by a guy in a bear suit

Obstacle: You are blindfolded and have to listen to headphones blasting “Ants Marching” by Dave Matthews Band

Reward: A one year free membership to 24 Hour Fitness and a lifetime supply of dolphin meat

Charity: PETA

Who won that movie? Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Sacha Baron Cohen brings his A game as the scheming French driver and John C. Reilly is charmingly obtuse as Cal Naughton Jr. aka The Magic Man but Will Ferrell holds them off to win by a nose as he gracefully prances across the infield grass calling out to the heavens and Tom Cruise.