Happy Sunday afternoon! It’s another great week of NFL football - I’m currently watching the Seahawks play the Bills in Buffalo. They’re down a touchdown near the end of the 3rd quarter. I hope the Seahawks win because I picked them for the highest amount of points in our confidence pool picks for fantasy football. I always do that, though, cuz I’m a shameless Seahawks homer. At the same time, I have the Bills young quarterback Josh Allen and rookie running back Zack Moss so I want those guys to do good but I want the Seahawks to win in a shootout. Josh Allen started the season playing like Tom Brady but has looked more like Brady Quinn the past few weeks.
I started reading the book 1984 this morning and right after I began, the internet stopped working and the TV froze for a while. The timing was impeccable – it was like Big Brother was watching me and broke the fourth wall of the book. The internet mysteriously not working seems like a 1984-esque thing that would happen. It felt like I was wielding some sort of literary superpower – maybe I’ll read Hugh Hefner’s biography next. I took the downtime as an opportunity to shave, sculpt and shape my illustrious mustache that would make Ron Swanson stub his toe on a home-carved canoe in jealousy. Then the internet came back and I was like, “It was kinda nice not being able to watch TV or use the internet for a bit. It was like we went camping for a half hour without going anywhere (but I was still craving s’mores and took a poop in the backyard – just kidding, I don’t like marshmallows.)”
*Listen to my podcast to hear my audio diarrhea*
My mom just asked when the Seahawks play even though I was watching the game on TV. I was like, “Huh?”. That drives me crazy – you can see the TV too, right? Have I just been imagining that I was watching the Seahawks game this whole time? I don’t like when people brag about not watching TV - it’s like, good for you – do you want a trophy? How about one that’s shaped like a TV and streams audiovisual content on a variety of channels. There’s a difference between watching a Pawn Stars marathon and a football game – my point is, there’s a lot of garbage TV out there (There’s definitely a few shows based on garbage people, probably on Discovery or Spike or truTV. And I’m looking at you, TLC, you’re not getting away that easy – TLC is for people who enjoy circus freaks but don’t like cotton candy – they just want the freaks streamed into their living room. They want to be the Simon Cowell of circus freaks. Speaking of cotton candy, what if the slaves were picking cotton candy instead of cotton? They’d probably still be pissed but at least their whole experience would be all the more delicious (although they would have the constant annoyance of sticky fingers, which sounds like a metaphor for a thief but no, they would literally have some of the stickiest fingers in town)...meet Reginald Chapman III, owner of the largest cotton candy plantation in all the south. The insulation in his estate is cotton candy…his estate is actually a gingerbread house. He gets asbestos from breathing in too much colorful sugar.)
I don’t consider sports to be a waste of time to watch on TV, though, especially when you read some of your book (1984 or Naked by David Sedaris or the My Favorite Murder book – I like reading multiple books at once - it’s like flipping the channel, in TV lingo) or write a blog entry while you’re doing it. Is anything really a waste of time if you enjoy it and it’s not hurting anyone? Also, sports are always fun to watch because it’s great watching people who are the best in the world at their sport compete against other people who are some of the other best ones. Sports reflect life in their competitiveness and ruthlessness and emotion and teamwork and pride. I love sports (soccer is aightttttt – definitely not in my top five but I would watch some World Cup games cuz those dudes are pretty good with their feet but I wouldn’t call it “The beautiful game” by any means – basketball is more beautiful in my estimation, what with the alley oops and the looping jump shots from well beyond the arc and that thing where LeBron throws a poof of chalk in the air…that’s just fantastic.)
Anyway, the Seahawks are gonna lose but my Bills fantasy guys were pretty solid – so it’s a win-lose. It’s like a stupid soccer tie – yuck.
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