Musings 6

 1. When you get Cancer, you realize everyone is full of s**t. You also realize that you are one bada** motherf*****. 

2. Just changed hotels from Calabasas to Glendale - I’m calling it a Reverse Kardashian. 

3. Confession: After having Testicular Cancer that spread to my neck, now every time I eat I have some sort of psychological fixation that makes me feel like I’m going to choke and it’s stressing the f**k out of me. I just ate a Dodger Dog and almost Dodger Died (but a Dodger game must be one of the best places to choke on food - there would be hundreds of eager fans lined up to Heimlich the heck outta ya). It sounds like I’m exaggerating but I swear to Jeebus that I’m being true. Also, when I look around and see people joyfully and thoughtlessly eating and talking and laughing and wolfing down food at an alarming rate it just nails home the fact that Cancer has f****d me in the mind real good. I never even once thought that I would choke on food before Cancer but now every time I take a bite, fireworks go off in my head and my brain keeps shouting at me, “You’re gonna die!” It doesn’t sound like a big deal but it’s literally ruining me and stressing me the f**k out cuz what am I gonna do - not eat? I can only have so many smoothies and oatmeal and yogurt and ice cream. But from now on (at least for now, til things hopefully get better) I’m gonna just take super small bites (you can call me Chrissy Small Bites) and not eat hot dogs or steak (I hate steak anyway) or any other chewy, voluminous s**t. Also, I’ll use a fork all the time now - if I had a fanny pack I would stick a fork in it (literally). My new favorite cartoon character is Forky from Toy Story. I f*****g hate this bulls**t. It’s kinda tough being around a crowd of happy, healthy people (of course not everyone there but just in general the crowd is mostly seems happy and healthy) cuz it just makes me feel worse - I was at the hospital for an appointment today and it actually feels more comfortable being around a bunch of sick people cuz it doesn’t make me feel like I’m a Make-A-Wish kid. The main thing is that this eating problem simply drives home the fact that everything has changed in 2021 for me and I’m having trouble coming to terms with the change. And I hate it and my mind is f****d by the stress. Life is so much tougher than it used to be. I can’t f*****g eat a bagel without having a mental breakdown, godd****t. Just got back from the Dodgers game and watching Sportscenter but now I’m going to bed cuz it’s 11:11 and I’m gonna make a wish - I wish for good health and to recover fully so I can live like a f*****g human being again because I’m sick of this s**t. Just had to get this off my chest cuz I haven’t told anyone and it’s EATING me alive…good night.