The Lost Files Vol. 2: Tony Reali

A Day in the Life : Tony Reali

7:04 am: Wakes up in Barney Stinson style suit pajamas

7:09 am: Sips dark coffee as he watches MSNBC, reads Wall Street Journal, does mad libs

7:16 am: Does triangle pushups, listens to Howard Stern 

7:33 am: Runs stairs at local football field, does fist pump like at the end of "The Breakfast Club"

8:09 am: Eats a Cliff bar, wonders if Cliff is the name of the guy who invented the recipe

8:26 am: Drives to work, listens to 90s alternative Sirius station

8:54 am: Arrives at work, wishes someone would call him Stat Boy again

9:21 am: Practices putting golf balls in his office while saluting his Derek Jeter mural

9:37 am: Watches highlight reel of late 90s Yankees teams, reminisces 

9:55 am: Looks in mirror, says "Somebody needs a Reali check", snaps fingers, winks

10:10 am: Watches Mad Men in office

10:23 am: Calls assistant, pitches idea for a new game called "Rock, Draper, Scissors"

10:24 am: Patents "Rock, Draper, Scissors"

10:59 am: Wonders where'd all the good people go?

11:17 am: Tries to convince people "Saved by the Bell" is the best show in the past 25 years 

11:48 am: Goes to local football field to play rugby

11:52 am: Quits after trying to explain the rules of rugby to people and everyone just decides to play two hand touch 

12:19 pm: Rocky montage as he gets prepared for that day's show 

12:23 pm: Drinks raw eggs

12:40 pm: Starts a Derek Jeter chant

1:02 pm: Wonders what's eating gilbert grape?

1:16 pm: Gets hungry from thinking about Gilbert Grape, eats lunch 

1:55 pm: Makes a snapchat story about his favorite minor league baseball team 

2:14 pm: Tries to call a timeout in a real life situation, frustrated when everyone keeps moving

2:57 pm: Plays Words with Friends to decompress

3:11 pm: Films Around the Horn

3:12 pm: Mutes Woody Paige

3:43 pm: Post show paper toss catch with producer

4:10 pm: Plays competitive game of basketball on a tiny office hoop ala Fletch

4:29 pm: Goes for a bike ride in the office

4:50 pm: Wonders how Zack Morris got such high SAT scores 

5:18 pm: Goes to happy hour, says, "This round's on me!"

5:47 pm: Plays life size Janga

6:14 pm: Starts hitting people with giant Janga piece like its a light saber 

6:49 pm: Ubers to Madison Square Garden to watch the Knicks game

7:22 pm: Does the dab on the big screen and high fives cotton candy guy

8:13 pm: Does Seinfeld impression to every person in the vicinity who makes eye contact with him

8:14 pm: Asks the usher what the deal is with frozen yogurt

9:10 pm: Knicks lose

9:21 pm: Goes to a rooftop hipster party, plays chess with humans as the pieces

9:27 pm: Says "checkmate" in Australian accent

10:02 pm: Realizes that he is at Derek Jeter's rooftop party

10:03 pm: Starts Derek Jeter chant 

11:19 pm: Ubers home, unsuccessfully tries to convince driver he was at Derek Jeter's party

11:36 pm: Goes to bed, writes down idea for new reality tv show called "The Reali World" 

The Lost Files Vol. 1: Mike Leach

​After a disappointing three loss skid that ended a season that once looked promising, Mike Leach is badly in need of some holiday cheer. Eight and five may look like a solid record in the history books but the ceiling of this year’s team was not touched.

​Looking forward to 2017 allows Leach and company a chance for a fresh start in the Palouse, an opportunity for change and to move forward. What follows are just a sample size of Mike Leach’s New Year’s resolutions. 

​Leach’s first New Year’s resolution is without a doubt swashbuckler-based, in the form of camping out for the premiere of the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film in late May. 

​Secondly, Mike Leach should be resolute to have gratitude for Luke Falk, the highly touted starting quarterback who decided to return to Pullman for his senior season.

​Coach Mike Leach should be less afraid of speaking his mind.

​Next, Leach should explore (the) Amazon to see if he can find any realistic looking Captain Jack Sparrow costumes to wear to Pirates of the Caribbean in May.

​Mike Leach should watch all 28 seasons of The Simpsons then explain to his team how Moe the Bartender’s business acumen is related to the spread offense.

​Leach should make an audition tape for Survivor, send it to America’s Got Talent casting directors, and film it for Punk’d, all while recording it for his Snapchat channel, “Social Leach”.

​Coach Mike Leach should journey to Machu Picchu with a group of long lost friends and ask them how they’ve really been.

​Leach should rent an RV, grow a vacation beard, and follow Elvis Costello on tour across nine Rust Belt cities in late June. 

​Coach Leach should go to the Grand Canyon and feel a connection with those who have traversed to the same location centuries ago. 

​Mike Leach should start a podcast then tell everyone on the team that he is going to cut them unless they listen to his podcast and tell their friends about it too.

​Leach should invest in a line of “Gorilla Marketing” t-shirtsthat have a picture of a gorilla in front of a board meeting pointing at a board that shows company stocks plummeting with a big red arrow. 

​Coach Mike Leach should eat more fruits and vegetables and watch less reality TV.

​Those are just a few of Mike Leach’s resolutions for 2017. 

Nicolas Cage's 12 Best Worst Netflix Movies

     Welcome to my (Nicolas) Muse Cage and watch your step. What have you done over the past nine days? You could have trained for a marathon. Or began learning a new language. Or adopted a kitten. Or watched all twelve Nicolas Cage movies on Netflix. Only a person as insane as Nicolas Cage would try pulling something like that off. Let us begin.
12. Pay the Ghost- Cage Career: English Professor. Cage plays a wise New Orleans professor who loses his son at a Halloween parade. I think the director of this movie came to an agreement with Cage that he would star in his movie under the one condition that it would be filmed when Cage was on vacation in New Orleans.
11. Dog Eat Dog- Cage Career: Criminal. Cage is a Cleveland ex-con who (you will never guess) is pulled back into the game for one more big score. The plot of this film resembles an etch-a-sketch on speed. Its etch-a-sketchy.
10. Snake Eyes- Cage Career: Cop. Unfortunately for the director of this film Cage couldn't help it from coming up snake eyes (you're not the only one who can speak in puns, Cage).
9. Seeking Justice- Cage Career: English Professor. Cage once again plays an English Professor in New Orleans. Does Nicolas Cage think the economy of New Orleans is based on a barter system where people go to markets and trade the works of Mark Twain for resources?
8. Outcast- Cage Career: Medieval Badass. Although Cage is not the leading actor in this serious version of 300 he overwhelms the audience in his brief time on screen with his gothic Caginess.
7. Trespass- Cage Career: Diamond Broker. If you were filling out a Mad Lib about Nicolas Cage's life his career would be Diamond Broker; its the Cagiest of all potential careers. Also this was the first movie I watched in the twelve Cages of Christmas so it shook me to my core at first. The Rage Cage was shocking initially but after some early struggles I was able to make the adjustment and grind out some tough at bats.
6. The Trust- Cage Career: Cop. Much like the aforementioned Dog Eat Dog the plot of this Cage Classic makes about as much sense as a Shyamalan corn maze if you added Frodo and strippers. Also Frodo and Strippers is my favorite grassroots band from Austin and/or morning drive time AM radio show.
5. Next- Cage Career: Vegas Magician. Cage plays a magician who is able to tell the not so distant future. Some people may argue this could be called a different Vegas profession; clairvoyant. Others probably don't have the energy to stick their nose in such a meaningless debate.
4. Stolen- Cage Career: Criminal. Cage is back in the Big Easy but this time he isn't reading Emily Dickinson whilst sipping black coffee with eyeglasses precariously perched on his nose like a loony librarian; he's trying to save his daughter from the trunk of a cabbie gone crazy.
3. Knowing- Cage Career: MIT Professor. Apparently there can be professors in places outside of New Orleans; in this case Boston. Also my favorite of the one word Cage titles because it tells you all you need to know about the plot of the movie in one word.
2. USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage- Cage Career: Naval Officer. Unbroken meets Jaws with a dusting of A Few Good Men in this yarn about an abandoned Naval ship at sea. Bonus points for the interviews of the real life war heroes in the end credits and wondering if they needed a Cage translator when speaking with him. Also now we know what A Few Good Men would have been like if Nic Cage was in it; it would have made absolutely no sense but we would all be better people.
1. Rage- Cage Career: Businessman (Reformed Criminal). Remember the Rage Cage? This is the real Rage, Cage. And oh boy does Cage rage. Cage rages so hard he aged ten years in the filming of this gem. Cage rages so hard he raised the minimum wage while metaphorically falling off the stage. It would not be so sage to gage the amount of rage in which Cage engaged on this single page. So I won't even try.

The 2027 Kentucky Derby Field

     With the starter gun for the 2017 Kentucky Derby set to go off at 3:34 PST Saturday afternoon there is no better time than now to announce the field of the 2027 race. Without further ado lets get to the names.
The favorite: Googly Eyes
The dark horse: The Upper Peninsula
The field:
-Jack Sparrow's Parrot
-Moscow Mule
-Himalaya
-Bookworm
-Outside the Lines
-Winning
-Flux Capacitor
-Stove Popcorn
-Yo Mama
-Fu Man Chewy
-The Dead Sea
-The Ghost of Steve Jobs
-Thank You, Come Again
-Turbo Vin Diesel
-Magellan's Watch
-A Chuck Norris Roundhouse to the Face
-Stormclouds a Brewing
-Papi
    

Reaction to Boogie Cousins trade

Does Boogie Cousins listen to Jazz? How many Miles Davis songs could Boogie name? Has Boogie Cousins ever been to Mardis Gras? Does Boogie like Cajun food? How many beignets could Boogie eat in a sitting? Are the Pelicans for real? Will Boogie grow a unibrow like Anthony Davis? Will Anthony Davis be a good influence on Boogie? Will Boogie be a good influence on Anthony Davis? Who's team is it? How many points per game will these two average combined? Who's taking the last shot in crunch time? How long will Alvin Gentry last as the head coach? How many head coaches will Boogie go through in New Orleans? Did Boogie learn his lesson in Sacramento? Will Boogie miss Sacramento? Will Sacramento miss Boogie? Will Boogie get cheered or booed or a little of both when he returns to Sacramento? Will Boogie body slam the King Cake Baby mascot as the crowd roars? Will Boogie appear on WWE in the near future? How is any team going to stop this frontcourt? Are the Pelicans going to win the Finals this year? How many championships will the Pelicans win in the next decade? How many Pelicans games will now be prime time? Is this the biggest trade deadline trade of all time? Are the Kings going to move to Seattle now? How low is the attendance going to be in Sacramento now? Is New Orleans the newest basketball haven? How long is this going to last? Will Boogie keep his technical foul problem under wraps? How coachable is Boogie going to be now that he has an All Star teammate? Why would the Kings trade one of the league's best players to an in-conference opponent? Has the NBA gone haywire? How much fun are the playoffs going to be this year? Is the NBA the country's most popular league?

Twitter users with celebrity handles

1) @seanoconnor - Tweets: 2 Following: 4 Followers: 77 Joined: January 2008 Tweets are protected
2) @adamray - Tweets: 10 Following: 0 Followers: 11 Joined: March 2009 Last Tweet: 2.28.10
3) @Johnnyboydepppp - Tweets: 193 Following: 399 Followers: 218 Joined: January 2017 Last Tweet: 2.18.17
4) @tjmiller - Tweets: 50 Following: 75 Followers: 50 Joined: June 2015 Last Tweet: 2.7.16
5) @ArtieLange - Tweets: 0 Following: 5 Followers: 743 Joined: January 2012 Last Tweet: N/A
6) @JimHarbaugh - Tweets: 2 Following: 16 Followers: 125 Joined: April 2013 Last Tweet: 1.18.14
7) @johnnydepp176 Tweets: 449 Following: 250 Followers: 290 Joined: April 2013 Last Tweet: 2.17.17
8) @marshawnlynch - Tweets: 2 Following: 0 Followers: 90 Joined: February 2013 Last Tweet: 3.26.13
9) @chrisdestefano - Tweets: N/A Following: 40 Followers: 45 Joined: April 2009 Last Tweet: Tweets are protected
10) @JohnnyDepp_ru - Tweets: 5826 Following: 51 Followers: 2944 Joined: April 2010 Last Tweet: 2.6.17
11) @louieck - Tweets: N/A Following: 0 Followers: 2203 Joined: November 2010 Last Tweet: N/A
12)@caseyaffleck - Tweets: N/A Following: N/A Followers: N/A Joined: October 2015 Last Tweet: N/A
13) @WillFerrell - Tweets: N/A Following: 0 Followers: 11.6K Joined: May 2010 Last Tweet: N/A - This guy wins the award for getting the most followers without doing a thing.
14) @JohnnyDepp_USA - Tweets: 4755 Following: 114 Followers: 554 Joined: January 2012 Last Tweet: 2.17.17
15) @harrisonford - Tweets: N/A Following: 0 Followers: 38 Joined: May 2015 Last Tweet: N/A - No love for Han Solo from the millennials.
16) @drewpinsky - Tweets: 4 Following: 13 Followers: 56 Joined: November 2009 Last Tweet: 12.13.16 - Don't take medical advice from this individual.
17) @johnnydepp1010 - Tweets: 213 Following: 627 Followers: 395 Joined: November 2012 Last Tweet: 2.17.17
18) @MichaelCaine - Tweets: N/A Following: N/A Followers: N/A Joined: February 2009 Last Tweet: N/A - Michael Caine is the Morgan Freeman of old British men who have buried some hatchets in their past; both literally and figuratively.
19) @jacknicholson - Tweets: 1 Following: 1 Followers: 287 Joined: September 2008 Last Tweet: 9.4.08 "i'm trying to figure out what the hell and how the hell this twitter is going to help me." - 97 retweets - This has got to be the highest retweet/# of tweets ratio out there. Jack Nicholson should sign up for Twitter so he can live tweet the action from courtside at Lakers games, if he can see his cell phone with those cool sunglasses. I like to imagine Jack, Denzel, and Leo get together before those games, smoke cigars, pop champagne, and clown Luke Walton. P.S. There is no way that Phil Jackson is riding the bus in New York City, I don't care how neon that guy's Nikes were.
20) @johnnydepp2101 - Tweets: 32 Following: 18 Followers: 19 Joined: November 2016 Last Tweet: Tweets are protected
21) @willsmith - Tweets: 72.8K Following: 1074 Followers: 97.7K Joined: January 2007 Last Tweet: 2.16.17 - This guy is the real life Hank Scorpio from The Simpsons.
22) @kevinsmith - Tweets: 122 Following: 17 Followers: 837 Joined: March 2007 Last Tweet: 11.24.12
23) @TimRobbins - Tweets: 0 Following: 44 Followers: 48 Joined: June 2009 Last Tweet: N/A - In his bio it specifically states "Not the Actor", but also that he is from Lodi, Wisconsin. If he didn't say that part in the bio I might have thought he was Nuke Laloosh. Who has more unconventional throwing form, Nuke Laloosh or the kid in Field of Dreams? Nuke Laloosh sounds like the name of a dog that lives in a nursing home or the worst move your middle school bully ever did to you.
24) @ronhoward - Tweets: 2 Following: 0 Followers: 87 Joined: March 2011 Last Tweet: N/A - Bio says "cant help, ron howard is my birth name." Ron Howard is not on Twitter but if he was he would be totally upset with you because that is his birth name too.
25) @ChandlerBing - Tweets: 0 Following: 0 Followers: 2 Joined: May 2008 Last Tweet: N/A
26) @alpacino - Tweets: 0 Following: 0 Followers: 314 Joined: September 2011 Last Tweet: N/A - I wish the real Al Pacino would get on Twitter already so he could live stream a reenactment of his famous locker room speech from "Any Given Sunday".
27) @nicolascage - Tweets: 0 Following: 0 Followers: 437 Joined: October 2008 Last Tweet: N/A - The service in the Gobi Desert isn't strong enough for Nick Cage to send tweets. Between spelunking in Mt. Rushmore, riding a motorcycle through Death Valley, and swimming in the Suzhou Canals, Nick Cage is too busy staving off death for social media.
28) @MorganFreeman - Tweets: 28.1K Following: 239 Followers: 1161 Joined: August 2007 Last Tweet: 2.15.17 - The real Morgan Freeman doesn't need to join Twitter; God can tweet from anywhere.
29) @JohnTravolta - Tweets: N/A Following: N/A Followers: N/A Joined: July 2009 Last Tweet: N/A
30) @JohnnyDeppMasks - Tweets: 287 Following: 765 Followers: 1310 Joined: September 2016 Last Tweet: 2.18.17 - Maybe Johnny Depp would sign up for Twitter if his scarves could get Bluetooth.

101 Gift Ideas for your Grandpa

1. A trout on the wall that sings "Take On Me"
2. The album "The Joshua Tree" on vinyl
3. That picture of Albert Einstein
4. Cuban cigars
5. A book of JFK conspiracies
6. Subscription to Omaha Steaks
7. A Tommy Bahama shirt
8. Leatherheads on DVD
9. An expensive pen
10. World War II memorabilia
11. Tickets to The Zac Brown Band
12. A Green Bay Packers Snuggie
13. Aviator sunglasses
14. A 12 week online course in taxidermy
15. Hot cocoa with little marshmallows
16. Toilet paper
17. "Life is Good" apparel
18. Transition eyeglasses
19. A portrait where the eyes follow you
20. Madlibs
21. Many leather bound books
22. An outdoor shower
23. Caramel squares
24. The hat John Candy wore in "Uncle Buck"
25. A fake mustache
26. Blue contact lenses
27. A German Shepard puppy
28. German chocolate cake
29. Key lime pie
30. A gong
31. ESPN Insider
32. Fishing pole
33. Trucker hat
34. Chia Pet
35. A guide map of New England walking bridges
36. The car from that White Snake music video
37. Ginger beer
38. A wool cardigan
39. The Burger King King's crown
40. That mask from Boardwalk Empire
41. Magic Markers
42. MLB Extra Innings
43. A 365 day Farside calendar
44. Ziploc bags
45. Shaving cream
46. Assorted cheese plate
47. A Bono iPhone case
48. Red velvet pocket square
49. An extendable dog leash
50. Sirius XM
51. A welding mask
52. Burt's Bees lip balm
53. A vuvuzela
54. Braveheart on iTunes
55. A bottle of Jack Daniels
56. Shoe polish
57. Plaid sheets
58. A Santa hat
59. Crest toothpaste
60. Tool box with a picture of Al from Home Improvement
61. Shooting sleeves
62. Reno 911! complete series on blu-ray
63. Blue face paint
64. A punching bag
65. Big Mac meal
66. Snow globe featuring Syracuse, New York
67. A scathing review by Simon Cowell
68. 6 pack of Coca-Cola glass bottles
69. A helicopter trip to somewhere Rick Steves has been
70. Lunchables
71. Matching wristbands and headband pack
72. Crescent wrench
73. Anything Robert Redford has signed off on
74. An inflatable raft
75. A mini trampoline
76. Apple cider
77. A Leonard Maltin book of movie reviews
78. Peaches
79. John Deere tractor
80. White picket fence
81. Knee brace
82. Homemade cranberry sauce
83. Set of golf clubs signed by Ernie Els
84. Margaritaville license plate frame
85. Jacuzzi
86. Blender
87. Italian belt
88. Tevas
89. Phil Hellmuth Poker set
90. Pooka shell necklace
91. Snow boots
92. Age of Empires computer game
93. Mini putting green
94. Livestrong bracelet
95. Protein powder
96. Brightly colored Ralph Lauren polo shirts
97. A parrot
98. Peanut butter from Brazil
99. Men's Wearhouse suit
100. One of those cameras that has a printer and you have to shake the picture til the image shows up
101. A handful of dirt from Ebbets Field
Bonus: Duct tape
Double bonus: A microphone used by Vin Scully