Welcome to my (Nicolas) Muse Cage and watch your step. What have you done over the past nine days? You could have trained for a marathon. Or began learning a new language. Or adopted a kitten. Or watched all twelve Nicolas Cage movies on Netflix. Only a person as insane as Nicolas Cage would try pulling something like that off. Let us begin.
12. Pay the Ghost- Cage Career: English Professor. Cage plays a wise New Orleans professor who loses his son at a Halloween parade. I think the director of this movie came to an agreement with Cage that he would star in his movie under the one condition that it would be filmed when Cage was on vacation in New Orleans.
11. Dog Eat Dog- Cage Career: Criminal. Cage is a Cleveland ex-con who (you will never guess) is pulled back into the game for one more big score. The plot of this film resembles an etch-a-sketch on speed. Its etch-a-sketchy.
10. Snake Eyes- Cage Career: Cop. Unfortunately for the director of this film Cage couldn't help it from coming up snake eyes (you're not the only one who can speak in puns, Cage).
9. Seeking Justice- Cage Career: English Professor. Cage once again plays an English Professor in New Orleans. Does Nicolas Cage think the economy of New Orleans is based on a barter system where people go to markets and trade the works of Mark Twain for resources?
8. Outcast- Cage Career: Medieval Badass. Although Cage is not the leading actor in this serious version of 300 he overwhelms the audience in his brief time on screen with his gothic Caginess.
7. Trespass- Cage Career: Diamond Broker. If you were filling out a Mad Lib about Nicolas Cage's life his career would be Diamond Broker; its the Cagiest of all potential careers. Also this was the first movie I watched in the twelve Cages of Christmas so it shook me to my core at first. The Rage Cage was shocking initially but after some early struggles I was able to make the adjustment and grind out some tough at bats.
6. The Trust- Cage Career: Cop. Much like the aforementioned Dog Eat Dog the plot of this Cage Classic makes about as much sense as a Shyamalan corn maze if you added Frodo and strippers. Also Frodo and Strippers is my favorite grassroots band from Austin and/or morning drive time AM radio show.
5. Next- Cage Career: Vegas Magician. Cage plays a magician who is able to tell the not so distant future. Some people may argue this could be called a different Vegas profession; clairvoyant. Others probably don't have the energy to stick their nose in such a meaningless debate.
4. Stolen- Cage Career: Criminal. Cage is back in the Big Easy but this time he isn't reading Emily Dickinson whilst sipping black coffee with eyeglasses precariously perched on his nose like a loony librarian; he's trying to save his daughter from the trunk of a cabbie gone crazy.
3. Knowing- Cage Career: MIT Professor. Apparently there can be professors in places outside of New Orleans; in this case Boston. Also my favorite of the one word Cage titles because it tells you all you need to know about the plot of the movie in one word.
2. USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage- Cage Career: Naval Officer. Unbroken meets Jaws with a dusting of A Few Good Men in this yarn about an abandoned Naval ship at sea. Bonus points for the interviews of the real life war heroes in the end credits and wondering if they needed a Cage translator when speaking with him. Also now we know what A Few Good Men would have been like if Nic Cage was in it; it would have made absolutely no sense but we would all be better people.
1. Rage- Cage Career: Businessman (Reformed Criminal). Remember the Rage Cage? This is the real Rage, Cage. And oh boy does Cage rage. Cage rages so hard he aged ten years in the filming of this gem. Cage rages so hard he raised the minimum wage while metaphorically falling off the stage. It would not be so sage to gage the amount of rage in which Cage engaged on this single page. So I won't even try.
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