Fantasy Football Recap #5

 Happy Nordic Week in the ARNEson Fantasy Football League!

Arne means “eagle” in old Norse terminology but we’re not talking about the team in Philly – this family bleeds purple and gold with their Nordic brethren. It’s a regular Vikingfest (not the TV show, much to the chagrin of all you Skarsgard heads out there) in Week 10 of the league as Captain Kirk takes home the 15 prize while his team’s namesake gains his first Monday Night Football victory and a big win in the playoff push for the hometown Vikes. Someone (preferably of the Norwegian persuasion) needs to put Matt Nagy and da Bears on a majestic ship, ignite that ship in flames and push it down the Chicago River and into the unforgiving, frigid plumes of Ol’ Gusty, Lake Michigan because that team is as good as two yards under at this point. Purple People Eaters, another trusty devotee of the Twin City Men of the North, scores a big time 13 as he continues to threaten the throne of the Tenacious Warrior. Hawkeyes (who might as well go by Golden Gophers this week), has penned 10,000 love letters to the football squad of the 10,000 lakes (as well as dying 10,000 tragic deaths unto them) and thus comes up with another win to stay in the hunt for perfection as does Pink (nay Purple) Panthers, a secret lover of Minnesota sports. Fantasy Football Team sinks back a bit as she drops a game to Hawkeyes, the Viking mojo being too all-encompassing. 

VIKINGman (that’s just too easy) takes home the pool picks as his beloved Purple Players win him the week with a 10-spot Monday night. Whammy and Minnesota Moose advance in Survivor with non-Viking related picks.

Beavis - Holy Toledo

Beavis - Pond

Beavis - Kobe

Beavis - Green Out

Fantasy Football Recap #4

 This Halloween-themed recap is spoooooookily belated! A Purple People Eater is not only a killer costume idea - it’s also a pretty good fantasy football squad that’s vying for first place after a MONSTER week. Dalvin Cook is perhaps the greatest running back in all the Milky Way. MT Moose ekes out a victory Monday Night after a mild-mannered accountant named Rex Burkhead dresses up as a New England Patriot running back and scares the bejesus out of an unsuspecting Jets D, sending Hawkeyes back to Earth on his birthday (42 years old!). Kyler Murray may be a running back playing a quarterback (disguised as another dude!) as he has another huge week on the ground for Pink Panthers, putting Katie in the pole position to overthrow the king. 

Speaking of the devil, the Tenacious One squeezes out another win despite his Seahawks tandem looking creepily mediocre (shout out Michael Crabtree) in Buffalo, a town that has often been described as such by people not of the chicken wing persuasion. In a matchup that no one cares about (including the participants), Viking Man edges WHAMMY as Cam Newton attempts to recapture his MVP days against a Jets team that makes Drew Lock look like an MVP. Our trusty Captain Commish takes home the pool picks while Moose and WHAMMY advance in Survivor despite a mysterious rising from the dead zombie threat by A&O. 

Listen & subscribe to my podcast

A Totally Honest Review of When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

 I love how sassy David Sedaris is. He could slap you in the face and you would be like, “That’s so insightful – what an interesting point of view. Yes, I do believe my nose is broken but god dang…that guy can put a pen to paper. That dude knows how to scrawl a story, alright.” Sedaris, a middle-aged wunderkind, literary powerhouse, is the kind of author who you want to be your friend and not just because if you got on his bad side, he’d roast the heck out of you in a scathing, charming essay. He makes smoking weed seem professorial – his elbow patches are made of hemp and fluffy daydreams. He’s the most multi-cultured guy from North Carolina. He enjoys the simpler things in life. He’s the Most Interesting Gay Man in the World. 

David Sedaris might be my favorite writer. He’s so poignant, he always has a unique perspective, his words are mostly simple yet wise. He writes about mundane things and makes them seem like the fate of the universe depends upon them. He lends authenticity and gravity to his work – it feels like he respects whoever is reading it. He’s just a great, talented penman. 

If you’ve had the pleasure of reading one of Sedaris’s books, you don’t need me to tell you all this - you’re already aware of his LeBron-ish tendencies amongst those who write autobiographical, personal essays. I can’t imagine someone reading him and not loving it – maybe they would think he was aloof or they’re from Boston and are like, “You think you’re better than me?” The truth is YES – David Sedaris probably is better than you and most other people on the planet not named LeBron. Especially if you’re from Boston (shots fired at a city I’ve never been to).

Listen to my podcast

A Totally Honest Review of Paddle Your Own Canoe by Nick Offerman

A sometimes douchey, somewhat heartwarming, other times infuriating memoir by that deadpan dude on the Parks TV show with the mustache. Nick Offerman seems like a nice fella and his storytelling and heart shines through when he writes about his beloved actor wife Megan Mullally or his love of carving objects out of wood. I agree with his premise that people should get down and dirty more often (both metaphorically and literally) and get outside more and breathe in more sweet fresh air and not stare at their phones. He does come off as a little anti-TV for a guy who we only know who he is because of TV. He has the swagger of a man who built his own house because he could and probably would have if he wasn’t sitting on all that sweet Peacock cash. He uses lots of rich verbiage and words that you might not recognize unless your last name is Merriam or Dictionary.

Offerman comes from a theater background, which I bet most of his fans didn’t know, seeing how he looks like a guy who would menace the heck out of a theater nerd. He professes his love of theater thoroughly throughout the book - it’s like, we get it, you’re a cool jock AND accepting of geeks. Shakespeare, backstage, some other insider terminology, yada yada yada – BORING. I just cannot wrap my meathead around the allure of the THEATRE (you gotta spell it like a British dork if you want people to take you seriously or not seriously, depending on your point of view). I can’t think of anything I would rather do less than go to Hamilton – I would pay $2 grand to NOT go to Hamilton. Everyone pretends when it comes to the theatre – especially the audience being “interested”. I’ve seen some great audience actors – one dude didn’t even check his fantasy football team til intermission. 

Offerman is a paradox of a man – tireless woodworker, sensitive theatre geek, obsessed with his wife who’s 11 years older than him and was already Will and Grace-famous when they met. I would urge any Parks and Rec diehards out there to read this book to get the full picture of the man behind the mustache - he’s so much more than a gruff expression painted over a flannel. 

Subscribe to my podcast 

Diary Diarrhea

 Happy Sunday afternoon! It’s another great week of NFL football - I’m currently watching the Seahawks play the Bills in Buffalo. They’re down a touchdown near the end of the 3rd quarter. I hope the Seahawks win because I picked them for the highest amount of points in our confidence pool picks for fantasy football. I always do that, though, cuz I’m a shameless Seahawks homer. At the same time, I have the Bills young quarterback Josh Allen and rookie running back Zack Moss so I want those guys to do good but I want the Seahawks to win in a shootout. Josh Allen started the season playing like Tom Brady but has looked more like Brady Quinn the past few weeks.

I started reading the book 1984 this morning and right after I began, the internet stopped working and the TV froze for a while. The timing was impeccable – it was like Big Brother was watching me and broke the fourth wall of the book. The internet mysteriously not working seems like a 1984-esque thing that would happen. It felt like I was wielding some sort of literary superpower – maybe I’ll read Hugh Hefner’s biography next. I took the downtime as an opportunity to shave, sculpt and shape my illustrious mustache that would make Ron Swanson stub his toe on a home-carved canoe in jealousy. Then the internet came back and I was like, “It was kinda nice not being able to watch TV or use the internet for a bit. It was like we went camping for a half hour without going anywhere (but I was still craving s’mores and took a poop in the backyard – just kidding, I don’t like marshmallows.)” 

*Listen to my podcast to hear my audio diarrhea*

My mom just asked when the Seahawks play even though I was watching the game on TV. I was like, “Huh?”. That drives me crazy – you can see the TV too, right? Have I just been imagining that I was watching the Seahawks game this whole time? I don’t like when people brag about not watching TV - it’s like, good for you – do you want a trophy? How about one that’s shaped like a TV and streams audiovisual content on a variety of channels. There’s a difference between watching a Pawn Stars marathon and a football game – my point is, there’s a lot of garbage TV out there (There’s definitely a few shows based on garbage people, probably on Discovery or Spike or truTV. And I’m looking at you, TLC, you’re not getting away that easy – TLC is for people who enjoy circus freaks but don’t like cotton candy – they just want the freaks streamed into their living room. They want to be the Simon Cowell of circus freaks. Speaking of cotton candy, what if the slaves were picking cotton candy instead of cotton? They’d probably still be pissed but at least their whole experience would be all the more delicious (although they would have the constant annoyance of sticky fingers, which sounds like a metaphor for a thief but no, they would literally have some of the stickiest fingers in town)...meet Reginald Chapman III, owner of the largest cotton candy plantation in all the south. The insulation in his estate is cotton candy…his estate is actually a gingerbread house. He gets asbestos from breathing in too much colorful sugar.)

 I don’t consider sports to be a waste of time to watch on TV, though, especially when you read some of your book (1984 or Naked by David Sedaris or the My Favorite Murder book – I like reading multiple books at once - it’s like flipping the channel, in TV lingo) or write a blog entry while you’re doing it. Is anything really a waste of time if you enjoy it and it’s not hurting anyone? Also, sports are always fun to watch because it’s great watching people who are the best in the world at their sport compete against other people who are some of the other best ones. Sports reflect life in their competitiveness and ruthlessness and emotion and teamwork and pride. I love sports (soccer is aightttttt – definitely not in my top five but I would watch some World Cup games cuz those dudes are pretty good with their feet but I wouldn’t call it “The beautiful game” by any means – basketball is more beautiful in my estimation, what with the alley oops and the looping jump shots from well beyond the arc and that thing where LeBron throws a poof of chalk in the air…that’s just fantastic.) 

Anyway, the Seahawks are gonna lose but my Bills fantasy guys were pretty solid – so it’s a win-lose. It’s like a stupid soccer tie – yuck. 

Candy Rankings

 1. Milky Way

2. Reese’s 

3. Musketeers 

4. Whoppers

5. Big Macs

6. Red Vines

7. John

8. Snickers 

Last. Twizzlers

Fantasy Football Recap #3

 Make the AFFL great again!

HUGE wins this week for Hungry Hawkeyes and Powerful Pink Panther. A lot of people are saying these teams could WIN the league…just tremendous stuff. Towering Tenacious D is sweating bullets as these two great Americans are hot on his tail. Another AWESOME victory for Phenomenal Purple People Eaters as he’s near the top – I do NOT endorse cannibalism in any form, unlike my opponent. Not many people have heard about it but Sleepy Joe Biden was the pilot of the INFAMOUS Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 back in 1972…truly despicable, just disgusting stuff. People eating people (not to mention, NOT from America) – Ewwwwww!

Roaring Redskins Football Team is still in it too – hold on we’re not saying that word anymore? YUCK! Native Americans are a great people and their vote matters just as much as a White or a Black or one of the other ones – God bless the Redskin Native Indians. 

In other (FAKE) news, Woeful WHAMMY won the pool picks and survives the Survivor along with Mighty MT Moose, both selecting the Redskin Chiefs over the (Private) Jets. 

Thank you my fellow Americans – this was a BIG week.

Pondering Great Falls, Montana

 - When people say “Down to Earth” or “Salt of the Earth”, this is the Earth they speak of – people here are so humble they’re actually “Below the Earth” – they have subterranean kindness

- People are nice but they have no choice – no one would stay if they were like New Yorkers – the only people who walk like they’re in NYC are on meth

- Everyone has a dog but no one walks it – they just drive it around town – the only walk the dog gets is to the car – dogs bark at you as you walk by cuz they wanna walk with you – they’re saying “Take me with you!” – is it legal for dogs to drive cars in GF?

- People have a combo of Boston “You think you’re better than me?” mixed with rugged frontier individualism and a Hawaiian pace of life

- Are there sober people here? Do they just melt into the dead grass? Are they so bored that they write great volumes of literature?

- Do people wear masks here just so no one can see that they’re in GF?

- 90% of GF is elderly, fat or has a mullet or some combination of the 3 – what percent of Theo Von’s fan base lives here?

- Sam’s Club sounds like the worst night club ever – “We got pallets on pallets! Dance pallets! Do the Shopping Cart Shuffle!”

- Does anyone move here or do people just wake up like Jason Bourne and start a life?

- Everyone has a pickup truck but no one would help you move (just kidding – people here are nice so they’d help you move – no one moves, though)

- Does someone assign people to move to GF? Who’s the Montana overlord? They probably chew tobacco and wear a cowboy hat unironically 

- Why can’t Grandpa hear anything you say the first time? Is he listening to a podcast in his hearing aids?

- Why is it so windy here? Is the air trying to escape GF too?

- Do you live in GF or does GF live in you? Is it contagious? Is GF the original Covid? Is the West coast the vaccine?