Musings 1

 1. Has any driver ever asked a passenger, “Am I good from that direction?” and not subsequently looked for themself? Also, you’re driving - I’m the passenger, I’m not driving - what would you do if I wasn’t there, drive your Nissan Juke thru the pumpkin pile outside the Whole Foods? What if I say “Yes” but I meant “Yes there’s a car” not “Yes you’re good”? When does this question NOT also have the follow up question, “I’m good, right?” We could be halfway to Trader Joe’s if it weren’t for all this back-and-forth. What if a poor passenger felt like today was the day to end it all but then you offered up a convenient murder-suicide by 12 person-Pedal Bar full of foreign exchange students from Austria option? What about when you DO look after already asking me - what, you don’t trust my 20/20 lookers, my impeccable face balls? Just pretend I’m not there. You’re in control of the car, it’s on you. Why are you trying to make me feel involved in the car ride - what is this, the Special Olympics of Sunday drives? Asking, “Am I good?” is like asking your spouse if you wiped your butt enough - you’re the one with the stanky wad of TP in your paws - you’re the one who sent the deuce down the drain - I’m not that dude who hands out mints in the restroom at the local whorehouse - I don’t get paid to sniff immaculate turds laid down by Japanese businessmen from the Midwest. Don’t put our lives in my hands as the passenger while I’m in the middle of a complicated fantasy football waiver wire transaction - don’t you put that on me Ricky Bobby - don’t you PUT THAT ON ME!

2. Eating a bowl of raw broccoli while having Cancer makes me feel like a retired offensive lineman who ballooned to 430 pounds pounding the treadmill on incline at Gold’s Gym while binging American Pickers on the History Channel - doin’ the Lord’s work. 

3. Any kids out there reading this who want to write a book someday - it will probably come and go without many people caring about it or even noticing - don’t get too worked up about it - most famous authors have ghostwriters, maybe you can be one of those when you grow up - the key to happiness is low expectations.