Perry’s favorite sport was football. His mom and dad always told him that they used the skin of his pig peers to make the football but that couldn’t deter his love of the game.
“Red 71! Bald eagle! Blink 182!” Perry’s parents would hear him yelling quarterback quips in his room (which his mom liked to refer as “a bit of a pigsty”).
Perry even went out for the school football team at Crusader High but lost the starting quarterback competition to Dale Chapman. Perry got the last laugh, though, cuz he got Dale’s girl - Kylie Dakota - the lead cheerleader for the Cheetahs. When Kylie laid eyes on Perry at the school field trip to the local farm, it was all over for poor Dale, left clawing at his ex’s elbow figuratively and literally for a bit. When the coaches told Perry to “Be the ball”, he knew what they meant more than anyone else on that field.
His favorite player was Tom Brady (even though he took the air out of some of his friends and almost murdered them). One time, he was at a New England Patriots game with his mom and dad, wandering around the bowels of the stadium when a mysterious hooded but sleeveless figure snatched him into the shadows. Coach Belichick wrestled Perry to the ground and tossed him into a state of the art Football Making Machine.
The machine whirred and bumped along, clunking and kerchunking as various numbers and digital codes flashed across the screen in bright colors. Suddenly, a slightly deflated football was spat out as Belichick smiled just in the corner of his mouth, satisfied with his work here. Perry had been Wilson-ized.
The Patriots were hosting the Steelers and Tom Brady was searching through the locker room for his favorite ball when Coach Belichick walked in, holding a beautiful new football. They nodded at each other, the coach pitching the ball to his quarterback like a loaf of bread.
Perry was gonna get to experience being in an NFL kickoff - he was ready for some football.
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