I’m tired. I’ve been tired for months. Cancer physically and mentally drains you. My brain is running on fumes - I have Fume Brain. My brain has fumes.
I used to think I was invincible. Everything rolled off my back like I was a waterfall. They called me the Walking Waterfall (they liked nature - Nature Freaks, naturally). Nothing scared me, nothing bothered me, my craw was clear - now I have Cancer Craw. Fear will freak you out, though. Fear will run your life if you let it and it will ruin it too.
I’m tired of these constant freak outs over every little hypothetical situation that might happen. I almost died three times before lunch the other day. I almost died right now as I type this sentence. A little girl in pigtails nearly bowled me over on her way home from school on Tuesday. I was on the brink of death several times at the park last week. Just this morning I almost got hit by a car walking to Starbucks then I got a paper cut from my Starbucks (gold) card and just about bled out right there in front of the crew of baristas (totally embarrassing) then I nearly choked to my untimely death on an almond croissant (delicious but deadly). Almost dying is so exhausting that I can see why they say they can sleep when they die.
Let’s get real though - I’m positive that the chemistry of my brain has physically changed in the past few months. They (the Nature Freaks) say that if an unexpected terrible event happens to you then you may experience worst-case scenario thinking or “catastrophizing”. It makes sense - my body tried to kill me and now my brain is trying to kill me at every turn. Literally every time I turn the car, it feels like a Sasquatch is gonna leap down from the stoplight and alley oop my fender like the Sonics mascot - Sasquatch Slam!
So, I’ll just be over here, constantly feeling like I’m gonna die but then being pleasantly surprised and super thankful as I lay my head down on the pillow (which COULD give me a fatal facial rash) each night, still very much alive.
Listen to my podcast Chris Arneson Show
P.S. If you didn’t enjoy this, you’re DEAD to me. 😉💀
No comments:
Post a Comment