Thursday, October 31, 2019

Halloweek🎃Monster Madness

Sword-wielding Sixteen
Werewolf (1) vs Michael Myers (8)
Werewolf wins - Yeah baby, oh behave, sit! Good doggie.
Headless Horseman or woman (4) vs Vampire (5)
Vampire wins - HH loses sight of victory.
Zombie (2) vs Ghost (7) 
Ghost wins - There isn’t a social media app with a zombie logo except for the app for the new Zombieland movie.
Mummy (3) vs Devil (6)
Devil wins - Dickie V announces the bout and calls Mummy a PTTPer (a Prime Time Toilet Paperer)
Frankenstein (1) vs Skeleton (8)
Frankenstein wins - A classic big-small, living dead-living dead size mismatch.
Clown (4) vs Goblin (5)
Clown wins - Everyone is scared of clowns - even goblins.
Freddy Krueger (2) vs Jason Voorhees (7) 
Jason wins - Freddy is stymied by Jason’s immaculate butterfly technique in the net.
Witch (3) vs Ghoul (6) 
Witch wins - All monsters are ghouls but not all ghouls are monsters (like evil squares and rectangles).
Eery Eight
Werewolf (1) vs Vampire (5)
Werewolf wins - Vampire tries to bite Werewolf in the neck but not before Werewolf can rip the fangs out of his face and turn him into a Christmas tree (whoops wrong holiday).
Ghost (7) vs Devil (6)
Ghost wins - Some people argue that social media IS the devil.
Frankenstein (1) vs Clown (4) 
Clown wins - Everyone is scared of clowns - even Frankenstein.
Jason (7) vs Witch (3)
Witch wins - Jason takes a slapshot to the dome and becomes a delicious casserole (how come no one makes casseroles anymore?)
Feisty Four
Werewolf (1) vs Ghost (7)
Werewolf wins - Seriously tho...a dude who turns into a wolf - who’s gonna beat that? Did you see the movie A Ghost Story? The ghost was just hanging out in the living room and watching people do laundry and other mundane household chores...A werewolf would have to kill something, it can’t just kick it and check in on old girlfriends and bullies. Case closed.
Clown (4) vs Witch (3)
Witch wins - Witches are the only thing that CLOWNS are scared of.
ChampionShip in a bottle
Werewolf (1) vs Witch (3)
Witch wins - Feminism, am I right fellas?
Be a 🦌
Follow me on 📸 @ChrisArneson8 & check out my stories
Save the 🐳 
Posted by at No comments:

Halloweek🎃Trick or Treat

3 Musketeers...Treat
3 Amigos...Trick
TP’ing your neighbor’s house...Trick
Gingerbread House replica of your neighbor...Treat
Milky Way...Treat
Mars...Treat
Flat Earth...Trick
Kit Kat...Treat
Black Cat...Trick
Almond Joy...Treat
Allman Brothers...Treat
100 Grand Bar...Treat
PayDay...Treat
Universal Basic Income...Trick
M&Ms...Treat
Eminem...Treat
Baby Ruth...Treat
Baby Ruth in the pool...Trick
Babe Ruth...Baseball Player
Trix...Treat
Twix...Treat
Social Media...Tweet
Be a 🦌
Follow me on 📸 @ChrisArneson8 & check out my stories
Save the 🐳 
Posted by at No comments:

Halloweek🎃Costumes by State

Alabama - Tide Pod
Alaska - Buck that Joe Rogan slain with a crossbow
Arizona - Sheriff Joe Ar-pie-o (pumpkin flavored)
Arkansas - Bacon Bit
California - Bear from state flag chasing hiker
Colorado - Hiker running from a bear
Connecticut - One Percenter
Delaware - Something Historic
Florida - Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting but on meth so even more pumped up about math (you might even call him a methmatician if you wanna go down that fork in the road)(and wouldn’t that fork give you a flat tire or as I’ve always called it, a fork tire)
Georgia - Football Enthusiast who fears the impending demise of his favorite sport on an intellectual level that transcends the turf - they call him the Turf Transcender
Hawaii - Boogie Board Man
Idaho - Smashed Potatoes (ya gotta get drunk)
Illinois - Corn on the Cob
Indiana - Canned Corn
Iowa - Corn Holders
Kansas - Korn
Kentucky - Horse Whisperer
Louisiana - Theo Von’s Hair
Maine - 10,000 Maine-iacs
Maryland - Crab Whisperer
Massachusetts - Kevin Garnett (you just head butt everything)
Michigan - An Upper Peninsula
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes-iacs
Mississippi - Something Fried
Missouri - Cowboy
Montana - Buck that escaped the Rogan Wrath
Nebraska - A Dad Joke (because it’s corny🌽)
Nevada - Damp Towel that was in Jerry Tarkanian’s Mouth
New Hampshire - Manny Ramirez Truther
New Jersey - Phantom Toll Booth
New Mexico - An Adobe Building
New York - Skyscraper that The Rock climbed
North Carolina - Basketball Player
North Dakota - Small Dust Storm
Ohio - Sitcom Backdrop
Oklahoma - Cowboy that duels with the Missouri Cowboy
Oregon - Granola Bar
Pennsylvania - Allen Iverson’s CORN rows
Rhode Island - An Island Road
South Carolina - Something Glazed (that’s what you do at weddings in the South - give something fried, something glazed, something football-related and something that might be seen as racist if you’re a Yankee)
South Dakota - Mount Rushmore (Jason Schwartzman’s breakout character)
Tennessee - Parton the Interruption (You need a friend who can also be Dolly Parton so you can argue about sports but really, underneath all the X’s and O’s, life)
Texas - Cowboy that takes bets on the Oklahoma-Missouri Cowboy duel
Utah - BYU Backup Quarterback
Vermont - Snowboarder who also loves Manny Ramirez
Virginia - Just get one of those goofy presidential wigs
Washington - Hiker watching from a safe distance as the California State Flag Bear chases the Colorado hiker
West Virginia - Davy Crockett with a bunch of pill bottles hidden in your coonskin cap like a magician would do to a rabbit
Wisconsin - A Rare Cheese that has recently been unearthed by TMcheeZe
Wyoming - 99 Percenter

Be a 🦌
Follow me on 📸 @ChrisArneson8 & check out my stories
Save the 🐳 
Posted by at No comments:

Saturday, October 5, 2019

Rules of Acting🎭

1. People who are not actors are not as important as you - if they were, they would be actors - but most actors are not as important as you either  
2. Don’t make eye contact with civilians - they’ll suck your soul out or at least ask for a selfie 
3. Never stop acting - even when the camera stops - just act like a douche when that happens 
3.5 Realize that people don’t actually care about you - they only care about bragging to their friends that they saw you (which is why they want a picture) - you are not their friend and if they knew the real you, they wouldn’t like it
4. Someone is always watching you - don’t disappoint your eternal audience - even if it’s only the lord or a producer 
4.5 If you are playing a nice character, be a jerk around set to emphasize your “skill”
5. Draw attention to yourself - then complain about people looking at you
6. Today is the most important day of your life - until tomorrow - tomorrow is Abs Day
7. Act like an alien when it comes to daily tasks so as to disassociate yourself from “the normals”
8. Feel shame when you meet real heroes like military, firefighters, police, etc.
9. Keep people around you on edge so they don’t figure out that they could do your job
10. Complain about everything in order to elevate yourself above the situation and put others who aren’t complaining down 
11. Make your job appear difficult to deter others from pursuing it
12. The more you can control without doing anything, the better
13. Only talk about yourself or things related to you - if it doesn’t have to do with you, it doesn’t exist - always be ready to strike up a conversation about yourself 
14. You are flawless - if you find a flaw, hair and make up missed it
15. Don’t think about things too hard - that’s not part of your contract
16. Stay in the moment - especially if the moment has a vegan alternative 
17. You are what you eat - your diet consists largely of bits of douche nozzle
18. Be simultaneously needy and standoffish - if someone offers help, it’s never the right time 
19. Always remember that you are better than people and they wish they could be you
Be a 🦌
Follow me on 📸 @ChrisArneson8 & check out my stories
Save the 🐳 
Posted by at No comments:

Acting Haikus 🎭

Wait in line, wardrobe 
Get your hair did, wait in line
Circle jerk...a line 

Let’s get dramatic
Don’t be scared, just act like it
Never stop acting

Get a mustache bump
Not cocaine, for your voucher
But do cocaine too

Land of the Shallow
Everything is just skin deep
Ugly ones go home

Do what you are told
Thinking for yourself, a chore
Remember lines, check

Actors, just like us
Pants on one leg at a time
With assistant’s help

A fake difference
Act like you’re changing the world
Battle for the Earth 

Rule one of acting
Put civilians below you
You’re perfect, they’re not

You must be needy
And complain about free stuff
Argue with P.A.’s 

A walking spotlight
Center of attention, chill
Look at me but don’t 

The Pro Pretenders
Act like your job’s important
Role of a lifetime

Don’t trust an actor
Lie when cameras are on
Lie when they are off

You think you’d like them
Action, turn on the fireworks
Cut, don’t look at me

Blowhard douche nozzles 
Are you a blowhard douche nozzle?
You’ll fit in just fine

Insecure, unwell
Random people touching you
Puppet for the pay

You think you know them
Face, name, Wikipedia 
Living room screen friends

Don’t meet your heroes
Break the fourth wall, break for lunch
Face without a brain 

Blonde in to blend in
Beautiful people rejoice
Make fun of the poor 
Be a 🦌
Follow me on 📸 @ChrisArneson8 & check out my stories
Save the 🐳 
Posted by at No comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)