Gronk’s Retirement Party

A lone shot of Fireball whiskey ceremoniously cascades down the ice sculpture of a real life version of Shrek, a hulking ogre of a man who hails from an Avatar universe built around all night ragers, all you can eat buffets (save some dessert pizza for the rest of us, guy) and high stakes games of pong in the garage whilst blasting the latest offering from Now That’s What I Call Music! because everything this football hooligan does is in the present moment. Rob Gronkowski, who has been called a walking Fathead poster by some and the record holder for most protein shakes pounded in forty five minutes in the parking lot of a Dave & Busters by others (seven pitchers and an Instagram story and a half later...), has announced his retirement from the NFL or the No Fun League, as he so gleefully dubbed it after the commish (think on it like Pivs in Old School as the Dean of Students who so desperately wants to be liked by the cool kids but with less shenanigans and the same amount of streaking in the quad...Gronk dropping trow and barreling through the imaginary line in the sunflower seed shells that divides the general ticket-purchasing public from their heroes and foes at a sporting event is like witnessing a solo goose migrating North for the Summer, separated from the flock but forever at one with his inner compass, buoyed by pretzel bites, a suspiciously bitter tasting cup of Seven Up and a furious set of triangle pushups to the tune of the 80s rock ballad of the day) laid down the pointy needle of the law by banning water balloons in postgame press conferences and most team functions on dry land.

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Football

Playing football changed who I was growing up and the person I am today. It makes you tough, helps you learn how to be a part of a team and promotes an environment where healthy competition and superb sportsmanship are promoted. Football teaches you how to rough it in a tough battle of will, how to overcome adversity and work with others towards a shared goal of victory, the only thing that really matters at the end of the day. I have a huge scrapbook in my mind packed full of memories from my time being a football player - it was a bigger than life kind of thing for me at the time, the most important item on my to do list, the only activity that I really cared about. The sport was more than a game, it was the most important thing in the word (although it may have been a small world at the time, it was certainly a simpler time) and a significant part of my identity and how I viewed myself as a person and an up and coming athlete and probably future first round pick in the NFL or a lottery draft pick in the NBA, depending on what mood I would be in on the day that I would have to decide which sport’s history books I wanted to rewrite (little did I know that while I may not be metaphorically rewriting any athletic history books in my future, I would have the opportunity to do it in a literal sense...that would be a fun book, though, if I wrote a made up NBA history book and came up with a bunch of fun stories that sound too mysterious to be true because they are, in fact, falsified.)

Listen to my movie and storytelling podcast, A Star Is Born, on iTunes and wherever podcasts are heard

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