The Ultimate 2016-2017 NBA Preview

With the first tip off just ten days away, NBA heads are chomping at the bit. KD in the Bay, Lebron defending his ring in the Land, and Russell Westbrook channeling his inner Davidoff are just a few of this season's most intriguing storylines. Let's get into it.

Top Five New Head Coaches

5. Dave Joerger

4. Mike D'Antoni

3. Nate McMillan

2. Frank Vogel

1. Tom Thibodeau

Top Five Rookies

5. Dragan Bender

4. Thon Maker

3. Brandon Ingram

2. Ben Simmons

1. Kris Dunn

Top Five 6th Men

5. Zach LaVine

4. Enes Kanter

3. Andre Igoudala 

2. Will Barton

1. Jamal Crawford

Top Five MVP Candidates

5. Kawhi Leonard

4. Blake Griffin

3. James Harden

2. Russell Westbrook 

1. Karl Anthony-Towns

Top Five Uniforms

5. Detroit Pistons

4. New Orleans Pelicans

3. Orlando Magic

2. Charlotte Hornets

1. Denver Nuggets

Top Five Mascots

5. Detroit Pistons- Hooper

4. Dallas Mavericks- Champ, Mavs Man

3. Chicago Bulls- Benny the Bull

2. Orlando Magic- That Thing Aaron Gordon Jumped Over

1. Phoenix Suns- The Gorilla

Top Five Fan Bases

5. New York Knicks

4. Los Angeles Lakers

3. Boston Celtics

2. Portland Trailblazers 

1. San Antonio Spurs

Top Five Teams with Championship Aspirations 

5. Boston Celtics

4. Los Angeles Clippers

3. San Antonio Spurs

2. Golden State Warriors

1. Cleveland Cavaliers 

Top Five Players on New Teams

5. Pau Gasol- San Antonio Spurs

4. Serge Ibaka- Orlando Magic

3. Dwight Howard- Atlanta Hawks

2. Al Horford- Boston Celtics

1. Kevin Durant- Golden State Warriors 

Top Five Top Five Lists
5. Top Five New Head Coaches
4. Top Five Rookies
3. Top Five Mascots
2. Top Five Uniforms
1. Top Five Top Fives

The 10 Best Adam Sandler Characters

10. Zohan (You Don't Mess With the Zohan) - This is why we can't have nice things, Adam.
9. Dave Buznik (Anger Management) - You wouldn't like him when he's angry. It's not as fun when Sandler does his kooky voice after he just lit a squirrel on fire.
8. Robbie Hart (The Wedding Singer) - If this is a real gig I am guessing these guys usually look more like Steve Buscemi.
7. Henry Roth (50 First Dates) - After watching this sand castled, drink umbrella heavy amnesiac anthem I wished to be fated with the same disorder as Henry Roth, the prospective sixth member of The Beach Boys.
6. George Simmons (Funny People) - The not so secret Sandler comedy memoir. Like the real life Sandler, George Simmons is rich, famous, and successful beyond his wildest dreams. He's also been struck with a fatal disease, as has Sandler. Sandler 's fatal disease is not in his body, however, it is in his soul, or maybe lack thereof. This lack of a soul is referring to the sell out type roles (including both Jack and Jill) that Sandler is generally known for since his early career success. Not having a soul is not all bad, though. At least he can afford four basketball courts, two tennis courts, and the pool house that Rob Schneider lives in. Don't feel bad, they let him out for Deuce Bigalow themed parties, which occur at a strangely high rate Labor Day weekend in the Houston metropolitan area.
5. Michael Newman (Click) - I bet of all his movies this is the one that Sandler most wishes was real. If it was between a remote that can control the universe and some hot yoga practicing, sensei's worst nightmare, Chuck Norris fever dream, you would chose Click too.
4. Longfellow Deeds (Mr. Deeds) - Sandler really shows off his acting chops, a rich guy playing a real rich guy, in this role of a goldfish's lifetime.
3. Billy Madison (Billy Madison) - This movie is ridiculous. Whenever you are in the third grade and could beat up the principal, there's going to be a power balance issue.
2. Happy Gilmore (Happy Gilmore) - Sandler finally does what he hasn't been waiting to do for years, punch Bob Barker right in the moneymaker. I'll take Old Men Getting Assaulted for 400. Wait that's Jeopardy you say? Touché.
1. Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy) - Bobby Boucher reeked havoc on a generation of slack jawed quarterbacks in this classic sports rom-com (94% com, 5% rom, 1% what momma don't know; trust me, I ran the numbers). If Sandler could bring half the impact to his acting career that Boucher brings to the skull of his opponents, he would be the next Clint Eastwood.

The 10 Best Steve Carell Characters

10. Barry Speck (Dinner for Schmucks) - Carell, the shadow king of kookiness, the based god of goofy, the czar of zany, is on his Weird Al in this corn maze of a movie.
9. Burt Wonderstone (The Incredible Burt Wonderstone) - If your name is Burt Wonderstone and you become an accountant, I would count that as a failure in life. I don't trust a guy named Burt Wonderstone with spreadsheets. The only sheets I trust a guy named Burt Wonderstone with are the ones that he pulls out of his mouth endlessly. Someone Teller Penn that these guys need some tips from a professional magician.
8. Gru (Despicable Me, Despicable Me 2, Minions) - Carell voices the hilarious supervillain in this minion teenage wasteland.
7. Phil Foster (Date Night) - There is nothing worse than getting wrapped up in a crime ring when you are just trying to have a quiet night with your wife at the Cheesecake Factory. This fondue is to die for, Vince Young was on to something.
6. Frank Hoover (Little Miss Sunshine) - An outlier in the pre-Booboo era of children's fashion pageants. Do not watch if you are color blind and have aspirations to join the Air Force.
5. Cal (Crazy, Stupid, Love) - Gosling and Carell represent the best cross generational bromance since MJ and Kobe in this silly, dumb, wonderful film.
4. John du Pont (Foxcatcher) - Not as fun of a movie as the title suggests. Wouldn't that be tight if this movie was about a badass guy who catches foxes for a living, though? Is that a real profession? What would you do with all the foxes that you catch? Would you keep them on some sort of... Foxcatcher Farm? I just broke this whole story open! Anyway, Steve Carell plays a murderer who's still breaking in his face like a new baseball glove. You gotta put a baseball in and back over it in the driveway with your mom's Ford Fiesta, Steve. Don't be such a Burt Wonderstone. The last time Burt Wonderstone played baseball, his self esteem magically disappeared. Burt Wonderstone is the Kirk Cousins of magicians. David Blaine is Dez Bryant. Siegfried and Roy are Rob and Rex Ryan, except the Ryan brothers were the ones that ate the lion in their case.
3. Andy Stitzer (The 40 Year Old Virgin) - When I first saw this as a kid, the only thing I took away from it was that virgins religiously follow the television show Survivor. Then I thought about it for a second and realized this was a metaphor for the crux of the film. Survivor of innocence. Maybe Carell is the one that was right in this movie and we're all tripping? His bar for happiness is drawn in cement. Is the point of life to be content or strive for another level of consciousness? Jeff Probst, you Teva rocking, Hippo Grylls.
2. Brick Tamland (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) - What did Brick really mean when he said he loves lamp? Perhaps he's discussing the plight of consumerism and the effects this has on the younger generation in our country. Or maybe he is talking about the significance of being able to show love and appreciation to others without asking for anything in return. It may be the noblest thing a human has ever done, to truly love an inanimate object such as a lamp, because this individual is putting their neck on the line without asking for a single thing. Brick could be hypothesizing about the effects of social media and the internet on the ability of our youth to have real, face to face interactions that don't have a hashtag. If our youth cannot first love themselves then how will they be able to love another individual. Brick may be commenting on how difficult it is for a young person to craft their self image in a day and age where popularity is based on favorites and retweets. I like to think that Brick was considering the significance of capitalism in defining the aspects of what makes our country great. Sure, it's nice to love a lamp. Next, you can love your car's headlights, then a floodlight, a spotlight, a streetlight, and finally the Moby Dick, stadium lights. But just because you have moved up the ladder, all the way to stadium lights, that doesn't mean you can't always love lamp. Some things never change.
1. Dan Burns (Dan in Real Life) - The most underrated Steve Carell flick and one of the most overlooked comedies out there. One of my favorite movie posters, depicting Carell using a stack of pancakes as a pillow. You ever have a day where you just wanna put your face in a whole mess of Aunt Jemima's? Life is like a pillow of pancakes. You never know what you're gonna get, except that it is probably gonna be real syrupy.

The 10 Best Owen Wilson Characters

10. Gil (Midnight in Paris) - Take a stroll into an age of coffeehouses without wi-fi in this pastel painting of a film.
9. Francis (The Darjeeling Limited) - Can Owen Wilson's nose get any more jacked up? Watch this India-based, brother love story to find out.
8. Kenny Bostick (The Big Year) - Owen Wilson, Jack Black, and Steve Martin is an unlikely trio- what's even more unbelievable is their unbridled obsession with bird watching in this PETA-friendly caper. I don't love anything in life as much as these gentlemen love birds. Well played, fellas. Touché.
7. Rick (Hall Pass) - An otherwise forgettable Wilson-Sudekeis vehicle features two grown men given a "hall pass" by their wives to sleep with other women. Turns out, the women were the ones who needed the hall pass after all. An inside look at the secret life of New England based minor league baseball players. I'm going to call this a baseball movie in the same universe that Bull Durham can be considered one. This is the best baseball movie that Owen Wilson has ever been in.
6. Ned Plimpton (The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou) - Take a nautical detour with Wes Anderson in this whimsical adventure. If American Apparel was a person it would say this movie is a little conceited. The red beanie get up is a good look if you are going out with a group on Halloween and want to start a turf war with a gang of seventh graders.
5. Nick Campbell (The Internship) - Wilson and Vaughn reunite in this Google-ized, Silicon Valley Wedding Crashers. These two are Slim Jims to the walking Clif Bars in this office, strolling around with those little running shoes that go over every single toe like they know something I don't.
4. Lightning McQueen (Cars, Cars 2) - Wilson's soothing, Southern drawl headlines this largely overlooked Pixar franchise. Inspired the mostly unknown knockoff flick, Planes. What's next a movie about a house that is taken away by a bunch of balloons?
3. Randy Dupree (You, Me, and Dupree) - Is Randy Dupree the same Dupree from the title of this movie, You, Me, and Dupree? Tune into this classic friend-who-overstayed-their-welcome-and-continues-to-make-everything-horrible-around-them-and-nearly-causes-the-disintegration-of-the-marriage-of-his-friends-who-were-kind-enough-to-open-their-doors-to-him-in-the-first-place trope.
2. Hansel (Zoolander, Zoolander 2) - Who's that? He's so hot right now. Hansel ushered in an era of tough-minded, trash-talking sixth grade scooter gangs. Not only that, he did it all while rocking a dashiki like nobody's business.
1. John Beckwith (Wedding Crashers) - Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn's love song to bros, brahs, and bruhs all across this beautiful land. The first half of this movie is that feeling when you are at the beach and you can't believe how much fun you are having. You are tossing the frisbee around, drinking a couple cold ones, and kicking it with all the old homies. Then, the sun starts to set and you are forced to pack everything up and head on home. You don't want to go but then the lifeguard tells you and your friends that you have to go home now. Rachel McAdams is the lifeguard in this scenario. Life might be better if you could stay at the beach forever but that's just not realistic. This movie is life- it's pretty awesome for a while, then it sort of plateaus, then Bradley Cooper hits you with a vicious blindside and you're left wondering where it all went wrong.