What
Netflix Show is Your NBA Team?
Atlanta Hawks: Lady
Dynamite – Maria Bamford moves back to Los Angeles while Dwight Howard
moves back to his hometown, the former in an attempt to rebuild her comedy
career while the latter is trying to rebuild his basketball career.
Boston Celtics: Sons
of Anarchy – This dynasty is a mainstay in its league’s record books as
well as the hearts of fans and critics, also Charlie Hunnam’s beard looks like
Bill Russell’s.
Brooklyn Nets: Trailer
Park Boys – A motley cast/roster that was likely assembled by an owner that
was almost as drunk as the main characters of this show.
Charlotte Hornets: Black Mirror – This show is also speculative in that it is
questionable if the best basketball player who ever lived is capable of running
a franchise.
Chicago Bulls: Bloodline
– A plodding, mid-ranged, allergic to the three point line based
offense/ship based premise leads this team/show to being your dad’s favorite.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Orange is the New Black – A superteam with an ultra-talented lead
cast member/player in Taylor Schilling/Lebron James.
Dallas Mavericks: Fuller
House – This is a failed remake/ode to your step sister’s favorite Nick at
Nite show from the 90s while this Mavericks team would also be better if you
were to rewind its star player 20 years.
Denver Nuggets: Flaked
– Young and relatively unknown, this run and gun, upbeat style team/show is
derivative of the Houston Rockets/Arrested Development.
Detroit Pistons: The
Ranch – This premise for a show/roster is a heinous, scrambled attempt at
competing with the powerhouses of the conference/Netflix television landscape.
Golden State Warriors: Stranger Things – A powerhouse and the odds on favorite to win the
championship this year, this show/team is so talent-packed that it will be near
impossible to stop.
Houston Rockets: Arrested
Development – This jumbled, call-back strewn chaos is generally hard to
follow for fair weather fans and a favorite of analytic cults.
Indiana Pacers: Last
Chance U – This team/show is based in the country’s heartland where
basketball/football is beloved and the fate of a little town rides on the
outcome of the game, in this case Indianapolis.
L.A. Lakers: Daredevil
– This show and team are related in that Lakers players generally look like
they have been blinded when they take a jump shot, also you would have to be a
daredevil to be a fan of that team after the way Kobe’s “50 for 60” departure.
L.A. Clippers: Making
a Murderer – Chris Paul is the Steven Avery of this team as he was
wrongfully sentenced to 6 years of being buried on a solid team that will never
make the conference finals.
Memphis Grizzlies: The Returned – A tough, grit and grind bunch of players/character
with a style of play that has seemingly returned from the dead.
Miami Heat: The
Get Down – A flashy bunch, this team/show will have difficulty living up to
the glamour and glitz of its city.
Milwaukee Bucks: Love
– An analytics cult favorite, this youthful squad is fun to watch for those
who like to see the rules of basketball/Netflix original comedy-dramas broken.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt – This fan favorite is fast paced,
extremely young, and quickly becoming a cult favorite among the most
knowledgeable basketball/television followers.
New Orleans Pelicans: BoJack Horseman – This team is led by a player of cartoonish
proportions, Anthony Davis/BoJack Horseman, who has more untapped potential
than a talking horse.
New York Knicks: The
League – An old standby loaded with aging talent that thinks it’s a super
team because of all the huge names it signs/guest stars.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Narcos – Russell Westbrook is Pablo Escobar in this situation, in
that he will be a cold-blooded, cutthroat killer after what the traitor Kevin
Durant did to him and his team.
Orlando Magic: Master
of None – Tons of young talent here, Aaron Gordon is the Aziz Ansari here
as he is an incredible dunker, the former of basketballs, the latter of freshly
baked croissants with a hint of basil.
Philadelphia 76ers: Netflix Presents: The Characters – This team/show has the most
potential in the league, a fun cast of players/improvisational comedians whose
talent generally overlaps (Saric, Simmons, Okafor, Embiid, Noel).
Phoenix Suns: Hemlock
Grove – A youthful roster full of upside and potential, it is scary how bad
this team is right now, however.
Portland Trailblazers: Grace and Frankie – These are interconnected in that Damian Lillard
and C.J. Mcollum lived with their mothers for an extended period of time for a
professional athlete and I like to think that their mothers are as sparky as
the title characters of this show.
Sacramento Kings: Jessica
Jones – Boogie Cousins was the Jessica Jones of this year’s Olympic squad
in that it appeared his basketball superpowers had mysteriously gone missing.
San Antonio Spurs: House of Cards – Coach Pop is Frank Underwood in that he is the
relentlessly successful and ruthless leader of this dynasty, unafraid of laying
waste to anyone who dares to try standing in his way.
Toronto Raptors: Marco
Polo – With international flavor, this team/show will have trouble ever
getting over the hump of winning its conference and defeating the
Cavaliers/Orange is the New Black.
Utah Jazz: Wet
Hot American Summer – A shout out to a classic movie, this team/cast lives
in what seems to be a magical land of summer camp, otherwise known as Utah.
Washington Wizards: The Killing – This show is based on the investigation of who is
murdering the prime of John Wall’s career.
